Hormonestogravestones

Greetings

Should I say good morning in a cheery disposition or solemnly nod my head in acknowledgment of the situation? With each step trodden, the internal monologue forecast every eventuality, the door was already ajar, his presence posed in the hallway.

“She hasn’t passed urine all night, she slept straight through”

His gaze searched my visage for answers, for confirmation that he is performing the duties of a caring partner correctly.

I smiled and replied

” it is good that she slept”

His shoulders dropped slightly, his demeanor relaxing as I continued to provide some positive reinforcement to the actions he had taken.

Armed with new pillows, a raised commode seat and a mission to make her last days as comfortable as possible, I entered the room.

You cannot say good morning, she might not think it is a ‘good’ morning

“morning, how are you feeling today? Did you sleep? Have you any pain? “

That greeting, why is it so fraught with contension? Could it be she deems it is a ‘good’ morning as she awoke to a fresh new day? Is it just me that is being too self critical?

“Good morning” she whispered

No fear

A large framed straight talking man seemed to be lost in a void as his words echoed around my ears

“please can you help me, I’ll pay you?”

“I don’t want, neither will I accept your money, you are our friend”

“I am no charity case, I have to pay you.”

” we are your friends, if you need help, help is here”

He looked defeated and suddenly flipped the conversation in the direction of my husband.

” she is stubborn your wife isn’t she?” Spoken with an unnerved tone

My husband glanced towards me smiling

“no she isn’t stubborn, she is your friend who is going to help”

A voice, weak and dulled was just audible, he jumped to his feet and scurried in the direction of the source. His voice could then be heard, caring, directive and informative, speaking to her. My name was then called.

I stepped into the room, seemingly void of flounces and somewhat barren. There she lay, staring in my direction, hand outstretched to greet me.

Her skin glowed yellow, eyes sunken, mouth parched, a shadow of her former self.

“This is a bad job isn’t it, I didn’t think this would be happening now” she informed me

I took her hand initially not knowing what to say. As a nurse of thirty years, I still find the conversations difficult.

” Are you in pain?”

“Are you scared?”

“I’m here for you and will come every day to help you. “

She appeared to relax, smiling.

“Thank you, that is so kind. I’m not scared, it is what it is and no pain”

He sat opposite, his words strong however his eyes projected fear. He was watching his life partners demise and was helpless to alter the course.

Death is the only sure thing in this life however it remains the unspoken.

“

Fingers posed

Fingers posed, at the ready

To type some profound knowledge from my complicated Psyche. ………….

Fingers posed, at the ready…. Still attempting to unravel the puzzles submerged within my mind

Fingers posed, at the ready….

I am informing myself that today I will be the best version of myself that I can be

Fingers posed, at the ready

To tell myself to believe today I will be the best version of myself

Fingers posed, at the ready….

I inhale deeply, breathe out slowly

Inconsistent enteries

Time just passing by

Water seeping through the holes

My heart breaks, bleeding for the souls

Of those who walk oblivious

To the beating of the drum

Inconsistent enteries

I cannot

Be a number

My bed awaits my slumber

But the lids refuse to close

As the torrent of droplets

Tipple from the heavens

And I am drenched in your

Tears

Inconsistent enteries

And breathe……….

Fucking covid

And yes I did swear! Fuck, fuck,fuck,fuck,fuck!!!! Thankfully I do not have covid however, the consequence of this pandemic leaves me wanting to scream obscenities across the land.

Today my best friend, my soul sister, my mentor, awoke for an ordinary day. At 12.20 she was sat in the opticians chair completing her routine eye test. Three hours later she texted me to inform me she had been admitted to AAU.

The optician noted she had occular pressure behind her eye in addition to swelling externally. There she sat texting me, alone in a side room, fearful of what was unfolding. Blood work and CT with contrast appeared to be the order of the day.

I rang, thank god for facetime, trying to maintain our upbeat banter over the air. There she sat, attempting to be the brave badass bitch she always has been. I saw beyond the facade

“Tell me how you really feel?”

I saw the tears begin to surface, her complexion pale.

“Don’t let them put Lillys on my coffin”

I will never forget those words, how fragile she presented. I wanted to get in my car and drive to be with her, to be her support. The notion that access would ever be denied to someone as they were facing their worst fears, makes my blood boil.

Her husband was permitted to drop off her overnight stay bag however ‘drop off’ meant just that. She needs him there by her side…. They are both double vaccinated and both produced negative tests today so why on earth was access denied?

It is 02.42am GMT and I cannot sleep. My brain is conjuring ways I could sneak past the system in order to be at her side. Technology is all well and good for communication however, nothing can replace the good old traditional methods of a hand hold. Since when did it become humane to deliver life changing news in a room of strangers? Oh yes I forgot….. Since covid… Well fuck you covid, my friend needs me now

Poison sugar

It was akin to an airport sniffer dog, I could smell the aroma, taste the sweet nectar on my tongue, I was just required to seek it. I did that alright :), I politely asked my better half if he would be so kind as to fetch the Mcvities Club biscuits from the passenger side of my car. He let out an audible sigh together with the statement….

“Do not moan about being fat or anything else if I fetch them.”

“No,No I promise I won’t, I just really need some chocolate right now” I replied in a ‘please feel sorry for me’ tone. He is a good man, amazing infact especially when he brings me chocolate 🙂

“There you go” he hands me the SIX sealed Club biscuits, “shall I put them in the fridge for a while though as they are melted?”

“NOoooooo, that is fine, thank you so much” I eagerly took the yumminess from his grip.

Imagine if you will, a wild cat in the jungle devouring its pray with gusto and portraying the impression that it had not consumed anything satiating for weeks. Well my friends…. that was me. I ripped open the packet, the chocolate aroma drifted towards my nostrils however, in one almighty swoop, my hand coordinated with my buccal cavity and as if by magic……one down. My eyes glazed, the voice in my head began to chirp…

“Go on have another, it won’t hurt you”

No encouragement needed here…. packet off, smooth melted chocolate biscuit rammed into my mouth and the pinnacle of it all…. melted chocolate all over the wrapper slurped off.

“Go on, don’t stop there, have another and another. You cannot possibly offer to share or to save…. EAT NOWWWWWW” The voice within led me astray your honour.

I pursued this gluttony until I stared down at the screwed up wrappers. I had consumed the entire packet.

“Oh no, no, no, no…I have eaten them all, I feel so sick, I hate myself, why did I do it” The whine of my voice infiltrated my husbands ears in the room adjacent.

“You cannot moan now.. Choice and consequence” his reply seemed somewhat logical.

I stomped up the stairs and sunk in a chocolate induced stupor on the bed, all the while chastising myself for being so greedy. It is such a cycle..if things feel unbalanced in my life I reach for the comfort of sugar, poison of the soul. Once it has raged through my veins I become despondent and self absorbed. Why the hell do I do this to myself…. especially when I joined the gym three days ago.

I could continue to assault my being however one things the past 18 months has taught me…… Life is too bloody short. Tomorrow I will get my ass down to the gym and work twice as hard, eat clean and put today in a box. I do not fear the consequence anymore because after the self sabotage I now dust myself off and start again.

I have spent 18 months trying to play ‘Final destination ‘, avoiding death in every way possible so the this big bad virus doesn’t get me. I then woke up….. It is all about fear. If we stop fearing death and just LIVE then everything would start making sense. We will die when we are meant to, so its time for me to start making the most of the time I have left. Chocolate was consumed in an overindulgent manner, get over it, tomorrow is another day and YAY I survived today.

CLICK- My life

”Click” the lamp illuminates the room once again. My brain will not quieten, “shuuuuuuuussshhhhhh brain please”

The internal monologue, the stream of consciousness, constant chatter on overdrive. I mindlessly scroll through the reels until my eyes become heavy, that is it, sleepy time…

“Click, okay ahhhh time for sleep”

CLICK, “no sleep for you tonight, I have far too much to contemplate on this bewitching hour”

Covid, vaccines, humanity, family, future, fiction, alternate universe, reality, dream state, covid, vaccines, protests, fear, humanity, future, finances, family, universe, reality, dream state, covid, vaccines, family, fear, opinions, opinionated, differing views, covid , vaccines, my body, my mind, my decision

My heart quickens, my muscles becoming tight, my mouth becoming dry, repetitive thought patterns.

I am climbing into my imaginary safe space, away from the opinions of others, the fear mongers, the followers, the ones who feel their way is the correct way, their thoughts should be my thoughts

“NO, my thoughts are my thoughts, my views are my views, my body is my body, you do you and leave me to be me”

CLICK, CLICK, CLICK, CLICK, CLICK – the light stays on tonight

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

Space

Transforming space to calm the soul. Just a unique small space filled with memories and quirkyness that is relatable only to you. It feels somewhat cleansing, sacred, neither reflective nor invoking thoughts for the days ahead. Just a unique small space to just sit and be!

The only apparent issue I can notice from the acquisition of a small space just to be free, is….. Work does not appear to be on top of my priority list today. That is a concern due to the sheer fact that no work equates to poor financial gain, resulting in…. If I do not have the means to pay my bills, I will not have this sacred place.

Soooo, today, this moment, this second, I will relax and just be in the moment. Later I will do some work ☺️.

Musings of others

As the sun beats down, the grass emanates life within,
As the ants scurry absent of mind to my wonderings of their thoughts,

As the honey bees hum, clinging to the chimney stack,

They know not of my inquisitive mind to their beliefs
High above within the cloudless sky, three buzzards,

What fills their minds, what brings happiness to their beings?

As I sit, gaze and wonder
What do they think of me

Living in the moment

Time, intuitive eating, being kind to myself and living in the moment are the staple thoughts I have adopted for the past few weeks. I have disregarded the catastrophic thinking that had become my ‘norm’ and opted for a more stunted mindset. It has been a learning curve and I have faced internalised demons, tackled my obsessive nature and freed myself from my own metaphoric chains. As with life, it has been a turbulent ride with highs and lows, mainly arising from my incessant internal monologue that found the previous mindset easier to follow. Who would have thought a negative thought and life style pattern would be simpler to achieve….. it cannot be just me? In order to step away from the old version of myself I devised a strict, somewhat regimented plan of action in which I maintained only by living in the moment……. dredging up the yesterdays and dreaming of the what ifs has always been the fundamental factors that have led me into ‘stinking thinking’ and an anxiety ridden life…..No more though :).

I purposely avoided writing down my thoughts to avoid postulating over events and this was a positive action to apply for my journey. Waking up with the sunrise and retiring to bed before 22.00hrs has made me adapt my working day with a clearer vantage point. Since becoming self employed in 2019, I had found motivation to apply myself to work severely lacking. I initially blamed the complete career change for my lack of lustre however, since leaving my nurse lecturer post and jumping head first into buying and selling second hand goods, life has taken on a whole new dimension. I had a long discussion with myself and weighed up the life choice I had made, should I return to nursing/teaching or place my energies into my business ventures? I chose to, in the face of adversity from family members, continue my self employment. Financial benefits are far less and it is and has been, an arduous path to tread but, by altering my vision of what life is supposed to be and what I actually need for life in order to live… each moment I earn a pound.. that is a bill paid, a roof above my head and food in my belly. My life has become more meaningful, sustainable and achievable from earning less (does that make sense? It does to me now).

Food and my health have always been a major contention in my journey. A complete sugar addict, having a unhealthy relationship with dietary intake, poor health leading to low self esteem and mental health issues. Food has always been my demon, eat when I was happy, sad, lonely…the list goes on. I allowed it to become my controller. That was then…. this is now….. some would say I have chosen the wrong path however for me, the alterations I have made have been life changing for me. I absorbed the ethos surrounding the ‘Whole30 diet’. A restrictive food intake in order to address any food intolerances you may have. Well, what can I say…. my health has improved, my energy levels are amazing, my blood work has vastly altered for the betterment of my health. It has been hard, restrictive and at times the hormonal, food deprived monster within me has rose its weary head however, I feel so much happier and healthier, less sluggish and have lost a few pounds along the way.

Finally the last few pieces to my jigsaw have been meditation and movement, avoidance of all tabloid media and surrounding myself with positive individuals. I have not yet officially commenced exercising however, I am moving more due to increased amounts of energy. Meditation, resulting in a calmer me, my breathing has become less erratic and tiresome, I no longer concentrate constantly on my breath. I breathe subconsciously again :). I avoid all negative content on the internet, avoid conversations surrounding viruses, wars, violence. I do realise that the avoidance tactics I have embraced may be unhealthy in the sense that I am blinkered to actual reality of life however, my world of simplicity and peace is far more conducive to happiness.

So that is my life update on this warm sunny day. Now I need to get some fuel into my body and get some work done. Have a lovely day everyone 🙂

Living in the moment

taking breaths with each new thought

Smile away the sadness

feed the soul with possibilities

See the positive in each second

Change the path you do not wish to tread