Venturing time

It is a momentous occasion today, well from my vantage point it is. I released the door from its hinges, opened it with a new sense of wonderment and actually ventured into the great unknown. Yes I reacquainted myself with the motor vehicle, remarkably remembering how to ignite the engine and vrroooommmmmmm off I went with my hair flowing majestically in the wind. Okay, so the hair scenario may be a tad dramatic however, cast yourself back to the classic movie ‘Sound of Music’. Julie Andrews, released from the Abbey confines, runs, in a spit spot fashion, onto the lush open grassland, arms outstretched, she spins, absorbs the moment of freedom and bursts into tuneful song. No, I did not subject anyone to my vocal prowess and I definitely did not attempt to rotate wildly because it would be a certainty that I would be flat on my face after one rotation. It was a symbiotic union of myself and motor, travelling to pastures new, although the mouth was dry and the internal monologue was far from a barrel of humour, I was escaping into the great unknown.

The melodic sounds of “Gummy bear, yes Im a gummy bear” began to drown the negative Nelly within my consciousness however we went with it, we cannot have it all ways. Onwards, breathe in and breathe out, breatheeee innnnnn and release, we can do this. Luckily for fellow motorists, the roads were relatively quiet which allowed the journey to be less fraught with obstacles. What an achievement, signally right, entering the central reservation and guiding myself into the perfect space. I arrived. There, standing in all its glory, its doors wide open inviting me in. TESCO – I hate shopping

This is a skip in the park for the majority however, for my fragile mind, shopping, surrounded a mouthless society is unnerving to say the very least. I found myself consumed with the arduous task of smiling with my eyes at every passer by. Did I look like I was smiling? I have no idea, maybe I appeared too intense, eyes boring into their soul – Im smiling honestly 🙂 please don’t cross the aisle in a – she’s alittle strange reactive motion. On reflection, it may have been a better idea to actually have vocalised a polite ‘hello’ to passers by ( however as I am typing, I have a vision of ‘Miranda’ galloping up and down the aisles, singing “the hills are alive with the sound of music, ahhh ahhhh ah ahhhhhh” now that would have been a giggle). So, as you may have now gathered, I can confirm I went out, I got into my vehicle, located the supermarket and I bloody did it, I went and immersed myself in a fragment of society. I am alive, I am here to tell the tale. And breathe 🙂

Channel One or Not?

There one lies, deep in meditation, calming the breath, freeing the mind of negative thought. The sly little mites still manage to sneak their way in, those words and connotations of less than positive vibes sneak their way into the very place you are attempting to rid of them. Imagine if you will, you are living your life on channel one, a roof above your head to keep you safe and warm, nutrition to satiate your appetite, friends and family to support and love you unconditionally. Channel One is that of positivity, personal growth, harmony and wellbeing. Indeed there may still be some opposition within the serenity in your channel however, each obstacle is faced and conquered. Channel One, your channel, is what you have created, so why do you continue to flip onto channel five or four? Those channels are filled with atrocities, fear, anguish and pain, on entering you experience the negative energies and allow them to envelop you. The anxiety can become insurmountable, waves crash down upon you, as you absorb the events of that channel. Why did you venture to that channel? Were you not happy within the comforts of your own? Was it morbid curiousity that urged you to leave the safe confines of your residence or did you feel the need to dip your toe into unchartered territory? In truth, should one reside in blissful ignorance of what is happening on the other channels or would life be greatly simplified if one did just that.. stay on their own channel?

Its a real quandary, or is it? Are we just making life too complicated by listening to all the negativity, too absorbed in the darker side of humanity to actually notice the beauty that is all around? Why do we feed the beast, the beast that is coined ‘Anxiety’? Is it addictive? Do we really think its healthy to flood our mechanics with cortisol and adrenaline ? No, I do not think so!!!!!! So here I yell to reflection in the mirror…… “stay on channel One for a while lady”.

Permit your mind to bathe in calmness, relax each and every muscle that is taut and pained from repetitive muscle memory, enable your physical and mental self to heal.

If you could order the ideal life, what would the menu be? Order it, believe it, visualise it, live it. Life does not have to give you lemons.. it could provide you with smooth lemonade.

And Breathe…….always a good thing to keep breathing!

The birds are filling the air with their morning chorus,

Wings flapping, swooping, gently gliding on the air gradients

I stand motionless at the window, transfixed by their presence

Incessant chatter, tuneful melody, surviving the day

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And Breathe……..

The sleeping dog lies tightly against my leg

Trust, acceptance, unconditional love

The keys tapping, she raises her head and gazes at me

The noise has disturbed her peace…. still she loves

And Breathe………..

August 2020- The time that time forgot!

 

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‘The time that time forgot’ – Is all this real? Are we living through unprecedented times? Was it all planned out in the grand scheme of things? IS this the new way of living, where masks cover our individuality, violence appears to be at the forefront of the media and social contact diminishes? Life does appear to have altered incrementally with a ‘no going back’ sentiment.  I have not entered the doors of a shop or been in close quarters with friends since March 2020, the mere thought is draped in fear. Is this my fear, is it deference from the real world or is it the transference of propaganda fuelling my unease ?.  The conclusion appears ambiguous, no correct answer, life has become a complicated puzzle and I am missing pieces.  I awake from restless sleep debating which pill I should take, the red or the blue? Do I want the truth or shall I continue in ignorant bliss? This is not bliss in my opinion, its like a rollercoaster of emotions and I have never even experienced a rollercoaster. I politely ask the universe for guidance, direction, hope, however, how would it be possible for it to be heard when the darkness has encompassed my being?  Turn off the control, avoid the news feeder ( the feeder of fear and dread) meditate, smile, relax- it will all be okay, just believe in the positive and all will be revealed.

I sincerely hope that all will be revealed, that beneath all the double standards and confusing messages we are receiving, that it has all been for the betterment of the universe. We will emerge from the darkness and transcend into a society of positivity, harmony, kindness and compassion. Could this be a reality? Would it be possible to reside in a world of compassion and kindness? The questions I have are vast however the answers are never forthcoming.  I have a beautiful friend that I have reacquainted with over lockdown, although yet to meet in person. When we were in our teens, I placed her on a pedestal, she was all I could only hope to be, the kindest, most beautiful of people, an earth bound angel. At 18 years old she wrote me a note on a grey neatly folded piece of paper, a quote from ‘WInnie the Pooh’. I treasured the note from the moment I received it and kept it safely stored in a box in my drawer, reading it numerously over the following years. This year, March 2020, I decided for some unknown reason to clear our my box and held the note in my hands. My mind told me I needed to get rid of the note, it was time to clear the box of my past. IT was an arduous decision which was not done lightly, it felt emotional however,  cathartic at the same time. Some time later, the beautiful soul I have missed deeply over many years, suddenly appeared in the form of a message via Facebook.  The sister connection was still there, the cord remained attached, it was like we had never been apart. I felt protective of her and saddened for the trauma she had experienced.  She remains an earth angel in my eyes, one who should never be hurt. The universe showed me that she has always been with me and I with her. How does this link to fear and present events of life? My fear of life, my inability to see the rainbow, to breathe with ease, my thantophobia…. renders me  unable to travel to meet her. I want to share space together, to talk about life, to support her, to alleviate her concerns. I am devastated that all she will experience is a old friend who now panics and worries about life and death, who gasps for breath and becomes emotional at the drop of a hat. Inside I have the mind and energy of that 18year old she once knew but 2020 has lost her.  So universe… I would like to rid my life of fear and rid my life of ill health. I want to share laughter and tears once again with my earth angel.

 

 

The universe does listen…

The picture is greater than what we can ever imagine

open ones eyes and transcend into a magical mystery tour of reality

A year has passed – I never saw that coming!

person in yellow coveralls reading a book
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So there I am, minding my own business, focused upon entering my fifties gracefully and conquering my anxiety. (Cue  sound effects to create a feeing of foreboding….. then a dramatic pause…….)   Well that certainly went out the fucking window didn’t it? Excuse my crass language but fuckerty, fuck, fuck,fuck!!!!  Just when I was contemplating buying a pair of slippers, a Shackleton high seat chair and a weighted blanket, the covid 19 pandemic happened.  Life has suddenly shifted on its axis into uncharted waters, resulting in this 50 year old, soon to be 51, doggy paddling for dear life in the stormy seas.  The five ‘W’s, Who, What, When, Where, Why and not emitting ‘How’, summersault with equal ferocity around my mind, enabling adrenaline and cortisol to have a absolute party at my expense.  The poetic prose of media tabloids fuelling the flames, creating a world of discontent, disharmony and fear, have enabled my hormonal party to develop into an all singing and dancing rave ( not that I have ever been cool enough to attend a rave). My nerves frayed, hands cracked from consistent washing, observing every cough, sniff, tickle, sore, taste, smell, breath, I resemble …. I resemble ME. Hello I am me! I have been transported into a world where we bleach everything, social distance from our family and friends, not permitted to sing and hug. Come back 2019, you really were not that bad.

I now avoid all propaganda that the media try to throw into the mix. Pandemic, WW3, Alien invasion, the list is infinite …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

What I do not comprehend is why we, as a society, allow a group of people to dictate the way we live. Why do the head of states decide if their innocent country men will go into battle with another just because they spat their dummy out of the pram. It is like playground bullying but the bully runs away and hides when it all becomes real. So what if they have more land, they have oil, they have whatever …… its 2020 – stop the fighting and live in harmony for once. It cannot be that hard surely?  I will divert away from matters that I do not know enough about and keep sending my positive thoughts that we will all come out the other side of 2020 unscathed.

Tomorrow is another day, the future to unfold – break free from chains of sadness, move forward with a knowing that your future is the story you write x

 

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Anxiety eats the soul – getting the inner thoughts out

Image result for anxietyI awoke this morning to my heart strumming out a rhythm that creates chaos in my core being.  A flock of butterflies (do they fly in flocks?) were fluttering in the pit of my stomach, tingling in my hands and feelings of despair.  Oh hello anxiety thanks for letting me know you were arriving today. I can confirm you are the unwanted guest at my house so I will try not to focus upon you at all and carry on with my life. And that is the issue- I try not to focus on it and by doing so, I am focusing on it.

The self loathing, the panic, despair, loneliness, isolation, it is all there, crashing on my head in massive waves. I read the self help books, watch the endless supply of self help you tube videos, bombard my husband with desperate pleas for a solution however, I know there is only one solution, ME!!  I detest the feelings of just not being quite good enough, not a good enough wife, mother, daughter, friend, for seeming to open my mouth and stating opinions that drive a wedge between myself and the children (adult children) when they were not meant to create such contention.  It is a never ending battle which I want to conquer however the seeds of doubt keep growing into enormous trees. Some days even going out the house is arduous, as is staying in, my body is in a continuous state of fight and flight, prepared for the worst to happen.

The world is an amazing place of which I am grateful to be in, I just need to live within it and find the me I want to be and sod what others think of me. I have to face my demons this year so I can actually live my fifties without regret. Get in the car and drive places without deciding something awful will happen, visit new places and yes get on a plane……..LIVE for goodness sake!  If I do not take charge of this anxiety and fear I will reach old age with memories of panic instead of joy.

 

 

IT’s getting closer but embrace is the word

Image result for hitting 50 years old

Where has the past two months of this year gone already? I am sure time plays a cruel joke once you reach 30, speeding up ten fold. I have taken the decision to better myself and improve my inner and outer being.  The following list is my trajectory for 2019, completion of which will be by September 10th D Day.

  1. Image result for losing weight gif item one – Lose three stone. Here I am feeling alittle smug as one stone has already gone with the controversial Keto lifestyle. It is actually happening without my jaws having to be wired shut or secret eating that has been my previous downfall.

 

2.Related image

Item two consumes me with some dread and sheer exhaustion even before I have commenced. Walking Snowdon is on the agenda for 2019 together with my better half.   I I am hoping for this rather challenging walk to be a cathartic experience, tackling my fear of heights and exercise.

3. Image result for uk folk festivals

Item three – please note this is not me in the image, she is far too young and slim.

So, 2019 will be festival time for moi. Last year I experienced my first ever festival, thunder boxes and jumping around in muddy wellies and it was life changing. I travelled home with tears of sadness and pride that I had conquered the festival toilets. I felt free, alive and somewhat accomplished, therefore this year I am determined to attend more. I will add here that last years was not a hardened festival, it was a brilliant folk festival.

4.

Image result for masters degreeItem four

This has made the list and in reality should be at  the pinnacle of it. I am in the final year, dissertation calling yet I have lost my mojo. The proposal should have been submitted back in November 2018 however, here I am part through March 2019 with zero proposal submitted or even started and the dissertation submission date looming. It has been noted that I am the worlds greatest procrastinator and I have decided that I should win first prize. Image result for student stress meme

 

5.  Item five – setting up a business.  Having left work as a nurse lecturer and not wishing to return to nursing, I am presently working for my husband and pleasantly suprised how much I am enjoying it. Self employment is the way forward for little old me. Ultimately I would love to become a successful writer/author however, that would mean actually getting my ideas down and building the confidence to create something that others would enjoy reading. I am certainly not the romantic type yet neither do I like crime, thriller or suspense – How to be a procrastinator – I am very knowledgeable on this subject matter. Image result for setting up your own business

 

All change

The intension of this blog malarky was to initially reflect upon my past in order to determine who I am now however, all that has now changed. I realise that looking back is all well and good, it can highlight the trails and tribulations of my existence but what is the point? Now, this present moment, is the fundamental truth of time, today and tomorrows are the hours, minutes and seconds that ultimately create my meanings. I want to develop into a person I feel comfortable with, create a world that I am answerable to myself. Rid the constant deep anxiety experienced from absorbing other peoples mindless opinions of  how I should live within this lifetime.  I have existed, as many of society does, attempting to live up to the expectations of others, how they view me and suggest, almost command, I should be. It appears to have sadly taken me up until this time to stand up and shout ‘fuck you, this is what I am going to do with my life’.  In November I resigned from nurse lecturing, felt disillusioned with nursing per se’ and shunned the ‘professional’ life, opting to work for my better half.  The encouraging (sarcasm) comments of “what a waste of your education”, “what about your masters?”, the look of disappointment and the notion of being a ‘lesser’ person’ have been my regular responses from others. Internally it cuts deep if I am honest, that I am being judged and accepted merely by the profession or financial standing that I attain  instead of my overall happiness and improved mental wellbeing.  ENOUGH, 2019, my 50th year is the time for my life, whom I choose to be, answerable to myself and living in the direction that equates to  a smile in MY soul and an air of freedom from societal constraints.

My life commences from this second and I intend to live it.

I am hitting my 50th year- is time reversal possible please?

SO, this is the year I reach fifty years young, half a bloody century. I am not sure which sounds more appealing, fifty years young or half a century, I draw to the conclusion that neither is.  On reflection I wish I had taken heed of my fathers words, “Don’t wish your life away, it goes in a blink of an eye.”  Eye rolls and “pah” were my obvious teenage course of re-action however, I now realise how true his words were. The ever doting father was attempting to show his teenage ‘know all’ brat that she should cherish every moment, make memories and be grateful for everything that was bestowed upon her. It is only when I see the looming figures illuminated, the big 50, that I have suddenly halted in my steps, opened my eyes and smelt the reality of his wisdom. For a few days I contemplated the possibility of time travel and the power of universal ordering to grant time reversal. The universal order is a powerful tool however, the realism of reversing through time  is an unrealistic concept even with todays technological advancements I fear.  However, if the notion of reverse time travel was possible, would I seize the opportunity to alter my journey to where it resides today? Would you?

The purpose of this blog will be to explore my life jaunts to date, to determine the fundamental milestones that have created who I am today. I will reflect upon my choices,  ambitions and subsequent outcomes, resulting in  the penultimate cathartic experience.  Fully cleansed I will gracefully accept the idea of being half a century – HOPEFULLY.

Image result for hitting fifty years old

 

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