I have taken a break from the written word for a while due to being all consumed with feelings of anxiety. Breaking the perpetual cycle of catastrophic thinking and restricted breath is an arduous task and I am far from reaching the solution. Morning and evening meditation, belly breathing in conjunction with green tea, has not yet halted the feeling of swimming through glue. I refuse to digest any pharmaceutical remedies as I know that I can become champion of my afflictions if I am able to step off the anxiety wheel.
Going forward, to release myself from stinking thinking and untie the knots within my solar plexus, I have compiled a plan of action. More impressively I have SMART targeted my ultimate quest, hark me as I high five the air. Therefore, on my list are daily tasks, which to some may appear trivial however, these are for my progression and healing.
Meditation-Continue to meditate morning and evening – On awaking and prior to sleep- to reduce the feelings of tension-To reassess every two weeks and alter meditation tools if required.
2. Exercise- to walk daily for atleast 30 minutes- ask spouse to accompany me- to reduce stress and improve breathing-Assess progress every Sunday and increase/ decrease walk duration
3. Nutrition/Hydration- to reduce weight to a healthy range and feel hydrated-plan healthy meals daily-remove all junk from temptation-commence a food journal to document and hold accountability- Assess every Sunday
I could potentially pen many more targets however, more than this and I begin to feel overwhelmed by the prospect. Beginning small and achievable will ultimately equate to success I believe. I believe- hmm, positive thoughts woman -OK, I KNOW small steps lead to SUCCESS
Day one starts now . Anyone care to join in on their own journey? What are your goals and how will you achieve them?
Do you have those random thoughts that just blow your mind? As I am laid in bed, a realisation, prompted by my husbands intrigue surrounding the sounds our dog can hear and we cannot. As you are sat, laid, stood, whatever position you are presently in, all around you are sounds you cannot even hear. BBC1, BBC2, ITV, Channel 4, Radio 1, the text message, the email, the list is endless, all swirling around your being. The depths we cannot yet reach, therefore information and knowledge we will never obtain. I wonder if the canine can hear all the radio and TV channels? The noise would be immense I suspect. Life is much more complex that we can imagine. We are submerged in a technological state that the majority of us do not even consider within our daily lives. The creator of ‘The Matrix’, did he produce a Sci-Fi film OR provide us with the pill without us initially realising it?
It is midnight, I should be soundly sleeping however, here I am, laid staring at the ceiling trying rather miserably, to summon the dream man. Do you remember the dream man? My father used to create magical bedtime stories every night when I was a child, always comical and never from another author. He was my author, he was unique, kind and filled my mind with magical lands and quirky characters. His stories were so exciting and spellbinding that I would never want them to end and would ask constant questions in order to extend the stories. When it was time for me to settle for sleep, my father would say, “shhh now and wait for the dream man to sprinkle sand in your eyes.”
Some nights he would sing a lullaby
Hush here comes the dream man, hush here comes the dream man
All you children run upstairs
Put on your nighties and say your prayers
Then ride with Mr dream man till daylight comes again
And see the wonders of wonderland in the dream mans train
I would feel my eyelids gently closing as he sang, then it would be morning. I wish father was alive now to fill my mind with wonderful stories, then sing me to sleep. Today is a different melodic sound that consumes my ears with a variant scale of annoyance, certainly not a soothing rain fall. The blissful tune of the snorer is always a contentious subject to raise, especially when I am almost positive I have the odd snort (such a picture of delicate beauty). I initially confront the issue by attempting to drown out the snores using meditation music however, when the sound of rain is at the level of human snorts, meditation rainfall replicates a monsoon – and the snores are becoming deeper, echoing off the walls. The perpetrator stealthily transfers his position to that of the prone. The mandible drops, the breathing becomes heavy and there we go…. snoreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Gently, as not to waken the sleeping lion, I place my hand on the side of his face and smoothly rotate the face away from mine. Silence……oh god have I killed him? …… SNOREEEEEEE. Suddenly he throws his body onto his side and curls into a foetal position, this is my moment to shine, to divert/prevent a further onslaught of noise, I too position into the foetal pose and neatly place my knees into the small of his lumbar. Placement of the patellas are paramount for this exercise, as is the amount of pressure exerted when said husband attempts to return to his back. I am not remorseful of my actions due to the opinion that I am quite tame in my remedies for a quiet environment conducive for slumber. My mother on the other hand
My mothers remedies for the snoring husband (my dad)
Place toilet roll up his nostrils – this was not successful as he continued to snore, to add insult to injury, the toilet roll fluttered like streamers from his nasal passages
Place a wooden peg on the end of his nose – this resulted in father still snoring and a red swollen nose in the morning
Pillow (no comment)
Kick gently -I don’t know where this bruise is from (mother mumbles an incoherent reply as she slides into the kitchen)
Shout – “ROYYYYYYYYYY shut up” – he continues
Cough loudly in his ear – this was futile when he reached 60 as his hearing declined (or did it?)
Push
Kick, Kick Kick, Push – loud bang – father on the floor, mother pretending to be asleep
REPEAT 1-8
So there we have it, a blog entry regarding the topic of snoring. Sleep well everyone, I am going to play my monsoon music and adon the foetal position
Presently, i have the tape measure staring into my soul and spectacles perched on the end of my nose, attempting to visualise through the scratches that are obscuring clear 20/20 vision. I suppose that you are so intrigued now, are you not? Hmmmm she needs her sight and a tape measure…… Actually I do not require the tape measure, just the belt of my jeans. You guessed correctly, it is the weight issue that has reared its head in my Mensa on this fine day. I awoke with a stretch and all good intentions to do a morning meditation, gentle movement and then a soothing green tea. I am sounding rather Zen here I know 🙂 HOWEVER, Youtube became my familiar on this fine day and my phlanges mindfully tapped away at the keyboard to guide me to all the positive, upbeat content that would fill my soul with a creative zest for life. It commenced very well, a dose of Zoella and Mark having a Christmas themed friendship day in August, all very wholesome and comforting, oh and a Grackle vlog to add into the mix. You see it started on an upbeat, relaxed trend and then chaos reigned. A notification rang through the air from my phone, not an email but news updates, NHS waist sizes to reduce risk of COVID 19. I felt the anxiety rising into my throat, palms beginning to perspire. A female, waist size should be thirty two inches, thirty seven inches for a male or you are in the obese category and placing yourself at a higher risk – thanks for that. AND BREATHEEEEEEEE
Youtube, being the plethora of knowledge it is, now succumbs to my frantic attack in search of the perfect cure for an over 50, unfit, vegetarian who has a waist size of 38″. The age old saying, consume less calories and move more appears a sensible option to many however, this is my mind we are talking about here. There has to be the ultimate antidote for my need to consume snacks and lack of movement. Lets ponder this dilemma shall we? NOOOOoooo lets not. Whilst I observe the super fit, motivated individuals, displaying the before and after shots and providing tips for the ultimate midlife style, there is a debate rattling around in my brain.
“You can do this, you too can become a fitness goddess”
“who are you kidding here, feed me snacks, I need snacks”
“Chocolateeeeeeee”
“ok, we need a treadmill, weights, hula hoop, trainers……..chocolate”
“Come on get a grip”
And so, the conversation within my cranium continued to rage for atleast an hour until I had an epiphany – I am making excuses to not do anything about my health, both physical and mental. If i am not happy then there is only me that can do something about it. The support of others is wonderful however, this is not their journey, it is mine. I should not subject them to transference of my negative moods because I am not content with who I am. This is my life and my yellow brick road to follow. Loved ones can share the path if they so wish however, they should not be forced to tread the path if it is not part of their own story. We can often forget that others can share your life but they do not have to follow in your shoes, individuality should be embraced and encouraged for a wholesome union.
Therefore, to cut a long story short, I hereby make a pledge to MYSELF that I will restrain from diving into the chocolate fountain, refrain from comfort foods when my moods dip and do this for me. I will not subject my loved ones to my issues of feeling ‘not good enough’ and instead address it and confront it. I will, over the following three months, make positive goals daily to be the better version of myself for me 🙂
It is a momentous occasion today, well from my vantage point it is. I released the door from its hinges, opened it with a new sense of wonderment and actually ventured into the great unknown. Yes I reacquainted myself with the motor vehicle, remarkably remembering how to ignite the engine and vrroooommmmmmm off I went with my hair flowing majestically in the wind. Okay, so the hair scenario may be a tad dramatic however, cast yourself back to the classic movie ‘Sound of Music’. Julie Andrews, released from the Abbey confines, runs, in a spit spot fashion, onto the lush open grassland, arms outstretched, she spins, absorbs the moment of freedom and bursts into tuneful song. No, I did not subject anyone to my vocal prowess and I definitely did not attempt to rotate wildly because it would be a certainty that I would be flat on my face after one rotation. It was a symbiotic union of myself and motor, travelling to pastures new, although the mouth was dry and the internal monologue was far from a barrel of humour, I was escaping into the great unknown.
The melodic sounds of “Gummy bear, yes Im a gummy bear” began to drown the negative Nelly within my consciousness however we went with it, we cannot have it all ways. Onwards, breathe in and breathe out, breatheeee innnnnn and release, we can do this. Luckily for fellow motorists, the roads were relatively quiet which allowed the journey to be less fraught with obstacles. What an achievement, signally right, entering the central reservation and guiding myself into the perfect space. I arrived. There, standing in all its glory, its doors wide open inviting me in. TESCO – I hate shopping
This is a skip in the park for the majority however, for my fragile mind, shopping, surrounded a mouthless society is unnerving to say the very least. I found myself consumed with the arduous task of smiling with my eyes at every passer by. Did I look like I was smiling? I have no idea, maybe I appeared too intense, eyes boring into their soul – Im smiling honestly 🙂 please don’t cross the aisle in a – she’s alittle strange reactive motion. On reflection, it may have been a better idea to actually have vocalised a polite ‘hello’ to passers by ( however as I am typing, I have a vision of ‘Miranda’ galloping up and down the aisles, singing “the hills are alive with the sound of music, ahhh ahhhh ah ahhhhhh” now that would have been a giggle). So, as you may have now gathered, I can confirm I went out, I got into my vehicle, located the supermarket and I bloody did it, I went and immersed myself in a fragment of society. I am alive, I am here to tell the tale. And breathe 🙂
There one lies, deep in meditation, calming the breath, freeing the mind of negative thought. The sly little mites still manage to sneak their way in, those words and connotations of less than positive vibes sneak their way into the very place you are attempting to rid of them. Imagine if you will, you are living your life on channel one, a roof above your head to keep you safe and warm, nutrition to satiate your appetite, friends and family to support and love you unconditionally. Channel One is that of positivity, personal growth, harmony and wellbeing. Indeed there may still be some opposition within the serenity in your channel however, each obstacle is faced and conquered. Channel One, your channel, is what you have created, so why do you continue to flip onto channel five or four? Those channels are filled with atrocities, fear, anguish and pain, on entering you experience the negative energies and allow them to envelop you. The anxiety can become insurmountable, waves crash down upon you, as you absorb the events of that channel. Why did you venture to that channel? Were you not happy within the comforts of your own? Was it morbid curiousity that urged you to leave the safe confines of your residence or did you feel the need to dip your toe into unchartered territory? In truth, should one reside in blissful ignorance of what is happening on the other channels or would life be greatly simplified if one did just that.. stay on their own channel?
Its a real quandary, or is it? Are we just making life too complicated by listening to all the negativity, too absorbed in the darker side of humanity to actually notice the beauty that is all around? Why do we feed the beast, the beast that is coined ‘Anxiety’? Is it addictive? Do we really think its healthy to flood our mechanics with cortisol and adrenaline ? No, I do not think so!!!!!! So here I yell to reflection in the mirror…… “stay on channel One for a while lady”.
Permit your mind to bathe in calmness, relax each and every muscle that is taut and pained from repetitive muscle memory, enable your physical and mental self to heal.
If you could order the ideal life, what would the menu be? Order it, believe it, visualise it, live it. Life does not have to give you lemons.. it could provide you with smooth lemonade.
‘The time that time forgot’ – Is all this real? Are we living through unprecedented times? Was it all planned out in the grand scheme of things? IS this the new way of living, where masks cover our individuality, violence appears to be at the forefront of the media and social contact diminishes? Life does appear to have altered incrementally with a ‘no going back’ sentiment. I have not entered the doors of a shop or been in close quarters with friends since March 2020, the mere thought is draped in fear. Is this my fear, is it deference from the real world or is it the transference of propaganda fuelling my unease ?. The conclusion appears ambiguous, no correct answer, life has become a complicated puzzle and I am missing pieces. I awake from restless sleep debating which pill I should take, the red or the blue? Do I want the truth or shall I continue in ignorant bliss? This is not bliss in my opinion, its like a rollercoaster of emotions and I have never even experienced a rollercoaster. I politely ask the universe for guidance, direction, hope, however, how would it be possible for it to be heard when the darkness has encompassed my being? Turn off the control, avoid the news feeder ( the feeder of fear and dread) meditate, smile, relax- it will all be okay, just believe in the positive and all will be revealed.
I sincerely hope that all will be revealed, that beneath all the double standards and confusing messages we are receiving, that it has all been for the betterment of the universe. We will emerge from the darkness and transcend into a society of positivity, harmony, kindness and compassion. Could this be a reality? Would it be possible to reside in a world of compassion and kindness? The questions I have are vast however the answers are never forthcoming. I have a beautiful friend that I have reacquainted with over lockdown, although yet to meet in person. When we were in our teens, I placed her on a pedestal, she was all I could only hope to be, the kindest, most beautiful of people, an earth bound angel. At 18 years old she wrote me a note on a grey neatly folded piece of paper, a quote from ‘WInnie the Pooh’. I treasured the note from the moment I received it and kept it safely stored in a box in my drawer, reading it numerously over the following years. This year, March 2020, I decided for some unknown reason to clear our my box and held the note in my hands. My mind told me I needed to get rid of the note, it was time to clear the box of my past. IT was an arduous decision which was not done lightly, it felt emotional however, cathartic at the same time. Some time later, the beautiful soul I have missed deeply over many years, suddenly appeared in the form of a message via Facebook. The sister connection was still there, the cord remained attached, it was like we had never been apart. I felt protective of her and saddened for the trauma she had experienced. She remains an earth angel in my eyes, one who should never be hurt. The universe showed me that she has always been with me and I with her. How does this link to fear and present events of life? My fear of life, my inability to see the rainbow, to breathe with ease, my thantophobia…. renders me unable to travel to meet her. I want to share space together, to talk about life, to support her, to alleviate her concerns. I am devastated that all she will experience is a old friend who now panics and worries about life and death, who gasps for breath and becomes emotional at the drop of a hat. Inside I have the mind and energy of that 18year old she once knew but 2020 has lost her. So universe… I would like to rid my life of fear and rid my life of ill health. I want to share laughter and tears once again with my earth angel.
The universe does listen…
The picture is greater than what we can ever imagine
open ones eyes and transcend into a magical mystery tour of reality
