musings of a midlifer
It is all seemingly disjointed
In this world of hormonal hell
My physical self buckling and the tears continue to cascade
Pooling within the deepening creases of my visage.
Within, rages a torrent of disarray
A discord between who I am from nanosecond to nanosecond
The serenity replacement unrecognisable…. As the jaw tenses
The world construed by the menopausal self
No longer sedately absorbing the beauty of the surroundings
And the tears rise again like the phoenix from the ashes.
Darkness envelops me
The chaos of the mind
Ebbing and flowing
Torrents cascading down the rugged rock face.
And I casually stare at his face as he consumes his thoughts
Each crease, each line
Not for a second does his vision divert away from the infinite glare of the machine.
Therefore my visual field is unrequited
The invisibility cloak chokes my neck as I claw to gasp
Only one more breath, one more second, one more week
Time is fleeting
For this second, I’m still here
The next…
A memory etched in the mind
A missed conversation,glance
Too late
Lights
Out ……..
There comes a time in every one’s life when they step back and say ‘enough is enough’. There comes a time when you step out of the madness and realise you are not the cause of everyone’s problems. You realise that you cannot spend life blaming others, thinking you would do it better, others are beneath you, others do not do it correctly just because they don’t do it the way you perceive is the right way. There comes a time you step back and realise, life is your own consequence. When others are sad.. don’t be the bully or ridicule their tears, don’t walk away with words of distaste. Compassion, empathy, community, kinship, friendship, love, belief, family, trust, are all words with a positive connotation that resonate on the energy of mankind. We can view the world with distrust, stress, negativity, anger, however this only produces a state of despair. Life is for living, life is short and life is your own journey. Stop being a controller of others, stop negative judgement and prejudice just because a person does not perform to your ideals. For the ideals are only yours and you do not control the destiny, choices or performance of another. You cannot blame your life’s path and failings on others, for your journey is now your own. If you continue to carry a holdall of failings and attach each to events in your past then you are choosing that life and creating a past to excuse living in the present.
Treat others, speak in a language that is respectful and how you would like to be responded too in return. We all eat, we sleep, we defecate.
Choose a life to be happy, positive, grateful, productive or waste a life in drama, negative mindset, stress and detachment.
I am now choosing life for myself. I will be there for my children however I will not be blamed for their issues, problems or constantly apologise for any wrong parenting choices I made over the years. Parenting, as you will all discover, does not come with a guide book and as much as you say ‘i certainly won’t be like my parent/parents….’ (because yes I said it too)… We all end up doing things we said we wouldn’t. We say and do things as parents to protect our babies however sometimes as a parent you get things wrong. The problem is…. Children focus thereafter in life, what their parent did wrong and now look at my life…… Yes I blamed my mum too. It isn’t until I reached my 50s that I stood back and thought… My mum,.no certainly not perfect however she raised me better than she was raised, she made some good choices and she made some bad… But when I became an adult.. my choices in life were mine and not a reflection of how my mother was with me. I now look at my mum for the positive aspects and treasure the good and make sense of the not so good. I don’t blame my mother for my childhood, I’m grateful she’s still here and I can still converse with her.
Today I realised you all need to grow into adults and parents and I have to grow into a person that has adult children. I will always treat you all with respect and be there for you. I would be grateful if you do the same.
I am not ashamed that i do not have material wealth, I am not ashamed of my career choices, I am not ashamed of how I choose to live. I am not ashamed that I worry, get anxious and place restrictions upon myself.. for my life choices are mine, not a consequence of my upbringing. I have allowed myself to make some unwise decisions in life and then passed the blame…. My choice is my consequence.
I will refrain from giving advice and guidance even though it has always only come from love and a strong sense of protecting my babies. Now I realise none of you are babies and I am not aiding your flights in life by trying to shield you.
All I ask in return… Don’t take my distance as not caring, don’t take my quietness as unloving.
How has your day been?
Better than you expected or verging on obscene?
Rainbows, blue skies and buttercups?
Or resembling a bubbling volcano, on the countdown to erupt?
Either way, was there a nanosecond, where you actually sat and smiled?
Or was it consumed with sorrow wishing tomorrow would come forthwith?
Life is a funny thing, Alanis you got it right
Tomorrow is beckons to us now,
Today long gone and now will soon be a memory
Learn, take stock and find that nanosecond of time.
It has been a while since I placed thoughts on this page
My mind has become an incessant pool of questions with no rationality nor reason.
My hands are wringing, my eyes dart swiftly from one thought to the next
The whys, the Ifs, the if only, create a continuum of destruction within the depths,
The world seemingly intent upon existing upon the lowest vibrational frequency.
I attempt to rise above, direct my gaze away from the atrocities we are being drip fed minute by minute,
However…….. Those that appear to share in the glory of power, seemingly devoid of humanity or compassion
Hold no prisoners, as they rage war across the lands.
And I sit perplexed by the puppet masters iron hands, and yet they all follow
Why? Why do we follow into our demise?
Why do we listen to their words, directions… They are a person…
They are not god… Can the average human form not think as an individual? Can a collective not voice that enough is enough?
The Wizards of Oz all seated behind their screens
They do not stand and fight, they do not isolate away
..we enable them to be the playground bullies.
I am confused … 2020, 2021,2022…. Rules dictated by elites however, do they bear the cross?
NO!!
Maybe I will sleep now I have purged my mind.
I’m trying so hard to be jolly
At this festive time
However the clouds are hoovering above me
The taste in my mouth like lime
So I am attempting to grace my face with a smile
And sing a ho ho ho
Festooning the place with tinsel
Some berry and Holly for show
Come on Christmas spirit, bestow me with your charm
Another mince pie if you please
Oh I so wish my headache would vanish now
Another menopausal whim come to tease.
So I wish you all a merry Christmas wherever you may be
Remember the key
To be yourself and In Reality
It’s just another day……
Breathe
I wrote a while ago that I am the personification of the Grinch
I was hoping through the passage of time that this would alter.
That Grinch would dissipate and the replacement happy pants would appear, as if by magic.
Unfortunately, I can report to you personally, that Grinch has not, I repeat NOT, exited the building.
Furthermore, it is safe to say that I have not only become despondent to this whole Christmas malarkey, No, New year can do one too 🙂 .
Affirmative I am grateful to be here and breathing the air
Grateful too that I am able bodied and have some teeth left
However, menopausal misery, incessant media shit storms, tied together with bumbling inconsistent government rhetoric ribbons, has quite frankly ripped any festive spirit out of me.
I attempt to foresee the future, grappling for a glimmer of Tinseltown however all I end up observing is the fridge contents. My waistband, actually who am I kidding…my whole frame is expanding as I devour anything to numb reality.
I would appreciate raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens instead of ….. I don’t need to say it do I? The actuality is that we are all in this together however, I have never felt so alone in a sea of chaos.
Christmas feels like a sticking plaster however my aid lost its glue and is no longer adhesive.
I apologise if this is lowering the vibrations, I will retire to my soft office and attempt to close my brain x.
It has just left my hands, leaving a lasting impression and a thirst for knowing more. This book is the journey of Raynor and Moth who became homeless in their middle years. It is a story of determination, will power and the dichotomy of humanity. Throughout the discourse the landscape is brought alive and their plight is all consuming. Homelessness could happen to any one of us and this book is enlightening to the prejudice, sterotyping and judgement that continues to exist. Everyone is on a precipice, our security could suddenly vanish. Could you survive?
Tightness engulfs the mind
The demons of the soul creeping between the cracks
Incessant words ricochet around the invisible walls
Clasping palms over the ears to dull the sound.
The deep crimson petals fall silently to the earth
Their richness of tone begins to fade
As the drums beat louder
And the conductors snarl.
Tightness engulfs the mind
As the season evaporates into the history pages
And the witch hunt commences for those waving the sages
The footprints in the sand no longer display
A time where laughter consumed each breath
For we tred a new pathway
To pastures unknown
Take my hand
Breathe
Do you honestly believe that the media have uncovered a revelation? UK government partied during lockdown? What a media frenzy, the population distraught and disallusioned. Do you honestly believe this is a reality?
Could it not be surmised that this could be another government distraction from yet another hidden agenda? It is futile requesting for the resignation of the party as no doubt some other party will just be placed strategically to spout the rhetoric of the elite.
Good old Boris led the team this evening centre stage on his podium, clearly providing the answers his loyal UK residents demanded. I hope you detected my humour there…. He certainly did not allay any doubts nor did he take any responsibility for his own actions. While the leaders of this show played back stage, having a ‘right ole knees up’, many individuals decided they could no longer reside on this planet due to continuing loneliness, mounting debts, losing their identity, hence they ceased to take part any more. Whilst the politicians sipped their cocktails and discussed the next move, the son, the daughter, the sister, the brother, the father, the mother, the grandparent, the best friend…. they were unable to comfort their loved ones or spend precious time together, they missed the last moments which can never be regained.
I am utterly speechless, it is like a re-run of the worst 90’s Sci-Fi movie you can recall. One of those rotten tomatoes scenarios as you metaphorically catapult them into the television. I am sat perched on the edge of my seat, hair greying by the second, heart in a constant tachycardia, awaiting for aliens to arrive.
If you stand back and absorb the script it is plain to see that the powers that be and the media are instilling fear and panic with regards to our own individual demise. They are actually controlling our perspective of death by applying fear to the masses. ‘Do this and you won’t die’. ‘ Take this and you might not die.’ The majority of humans appear to have become participants in the films ‘Final destination’ of which there are no winners. We cannot run from the only reality there is.
There is no doubt Covid can kill, as can heart disease, cancer, autoimmune disorders, and a multitude of other illnesses. In addition we can suggest mental health issues, social disorder, domestic violence, poor economic standing, homelessness, substance abuse, road traffic accidents can all result in disability or death. The entire list have varying complexities and can result in death, yet apart from Covid, we are not confined, coerced or bullied by a political party.
Boris appeared under the illusion this evening that the population of the United Kingdom fully supports the rhetoric and compliant with the political rule. I am confused to who he has obtained the information from in regards to this.
Remember the Wizard of Oz? Who was behind the curtain?
I will just add.. this is my stream of consciousness, my thoughts. Your views may differ and that is perfectly fine too.
Hormonestogravestones 