CLICK- My life

”Click” the lamp illuminates the room once again. My brain will not quieten, “shuuuuuuuussshhhhhh brain please”

The internal monologue, the stream of consciousness, constant chatter on overdrive. I mindlessly scroll through the reels until my eyes become heavy, that is it, sleepy time…

“Click, okay ahhhh time for sleep”

CLICK, “no sleep for you tonight, I have far too much to contemplate on this bewitching hour”

Covid, vaccines, humanity, family, future, fiction, alternate universe, reality, dream state, covid, vaccines, protests, fear, humanity, future, finances, family, universe, reality, dream state, covid, vaccines, family, fear, opinions, opinionated, differing views, covid , vaccines, my body, my mind, my decision

My heart quickens, my muscles becoming tight, my mouth becoming dry, repetitive thought patterns.

I am climbing into my imaginary safe space, away from the opinions of others, the fear mongers, the followers, the ones who feel their way is the correct way, their thoughts should be my thoughts

“NO, my thoughts are my thoughts, my views are my views, my body is my body, you do you and leave me to be me”

CLICK, CLICK, CLICK, CLICK, CLICK – the light stays on tonight

Space

Transforming space to calm the soul. Just a unique small space filled with memories and quirkyness that is relatable only to you. It feels somewhat cleansing, sacred, neither reflective nor invoking thoughts for the days ahead. Just a unique small space to just sit and be!

The only apparent issue I can notice from the acquisition of a small space just to be free, is….. Work does not appear to be on top of my priority list today. That is a concern due to the sheer fact that no work equates to poor financial gain, resulting in…. If I do not have the means to pay my bills, I will not have this sacred place.

Soooo, today, this moment, this second, I will relax and just be in the moment. Later I will do some work ☺️.

Musings of others

As the sun beats down, the grass emanates life within,
As the ants scurry absent of mind to my wonderings of their thoughts,

As the honey bees hum, clinging to the chimney stack,

They know not of my inquisitive mind to their beliefs
High above within the cloudless sky, three buzzards,

What fills their minds, what brings happiness to their beings?

As I sit, gaze and wonder
What do they think of me


Living in the moment

Time, intuitive eating, being kind to myself and living in the moment are the staple thoughts I have adopted for the past few weeks. I have disregarded the catastrophic thinking that had become my ‘norm’ and opted for a more stunted mindset. It has been a learning curve and I have faced internalised demons, tackled my obsessive nature and freed myself from my own metaphoric chains. As with life, it has been a turbulent ride with highs and lows, mainly arising from my incessant internal monologue that found the previous mindset easier to follow. Who would have thought a negative thought and life style pattern would be simpler to achieve….. it cannot be just me? In order to step away from the old version of myself I devised a strict, somewhat regimented plan of action in which I maintained only by living in the moment……. dredging up the yesterdays and dreaming of the what ifs has always been the fundamental factors that have led me into ‘stinking thinking’ and an anxiety ridden life…..No more though :).

I purposely avoided writing down my thoughts to avoid postulating over events and this was a positive action to apply for my journey. Waking up with the sunrise and retiring to bed before 22.00hrs has made me adapt my working day with a clearer vantage point. Since becoming self employed in 2019, I had found motivation to apply myself to work severely lacking. I initially blamed the complete career change for my lack of lustre however, since leaving my nurse lecturer post and jumping head first into buying and selling second hand goods, life has taken on a whole new dimension. I had a long discussion with myself and weighed up the life choice I had made, should I return to nursing/teaching or place my energies into my business ventures? I chose to, in the face of adversity from family members, continue my self employment. Financial benefits are far less and it is and has been, an arduous path to tread but, by altering my vision of what life is supposed to be and what I actually need for life in order to live… each moment I earn a pound.. that is a bill paid, a roof above my head and food in my belly. My life has become more meaningful, sustainable and achievable from earning less (does that make sense? It does to me now).

Food and my health have always been a major contention in my journey. A complete sugar addict, having a unhealthy relationship with dietary intake, poor health leading to low self esteem and mental health issues. Food has always been my demon, eat when I was happy, sad, lonely…the list goes on. I allowed it to become my controller. That was then…. this is now….. some would say I have chosen the wrong path however for me, the alterations I have made have been life changing for me. I absorbed the ethos surrounding the ‘Whole30 diet’. A restrictive food intake in order to address any food intolerances you may have. Well, what can I say…. my health has improved, my energy levels are amazing, my blood work has vastly altered for the betterment of my health. It has been hard, restrictive and at times the hormonal, food deprived monster within me has rose its weary head however, I feel so much happier and healthier, less sluggish and have lost a few pounds along the way.

Finally the last few pieces to my jigsaw have been meditation and movement, avoidance of all tabloid media and surrounding myself with positive individuals. I have not yet officially commenced exercising however, I am moving more due to increased amounts of energy. Meditation, resulting in a calmer me, my breathing has become less erratic and tiresome, I no longer concentrate constantly on my breath. I breathe subconsciously again :). I avoid all negative content on the internet, avoid conversations surrounding viruses, wars, violence. I do realise that the avoidance tactics I have embraced may be unhealthy in the sense that I am blinkered to actual reality of life however, my world of simplicity and peace is far more conducive to happiness.

So that is my life update on this warm sunny day. Now I need to get some fuel into my body and get some work done. Have a lovely day everyone 🙂

Living in the moment

taking breaths with each new thought

Smile away the sadness

feed the soul with possibilities

See the positive in each second

Change the path you do not wish to tread

5,4,3,2,1 Arise

My brain has decided not to fire on all cylinders today

I awoke from a slumber all flustered and forlorn

5,4,3,2,1 spluttering and stuttering, what is the delay?

Eyes forced to visualise the morning light seeping in

The birds chirping happily their morning song

Brain decides immediately— shut down, its a din.

Arise madam Butterfly, see the beauty all around

The body expels a despondent air, heels planted firmly

Come on brain, it is a new day, a wonder to behold

Nay, eyes closed tightly

Nothing going on here!

The electrical impulses awaken and ignite

Engines firing, muscles twitching

Arise Madam Butterfly, it is your time to breathe

Flutter the wings and fly

Open your eyes and absorb the fragility of life

The birds song so delicate and soulful.

The morning stretch,

Smile

and breathe

(Did you know that muscles to smile are stronger than the muscles to frown? – muscle workout 🙂 )

A world within a world

Are you absorbed In your own world,

lost and alone

feelings of emptiness echoing around your soul

have you retreated within

into the depths of despair

wondering why your life is seemingly unfair.

As the sands of time keep falling

the ticking of the clock ebbing nearer the end

Have you once ventured to the exterior of the callous calling

within

Lift your eyes upwards, wherever you are

A world within a world as the feathered creatures

take flight upon the thermals

Close your vision and open your ears

Listen…….

to the multitude of song that echoes all around

each species delivering a contrasting sound

to the darkness that is stored within your mind

Open your eyes, your mind, your soul

To a world within a world that holds

beauty

wonderment

Your reason to

carry on.

The beginning

I have decided to bare my soul and offer you an introduction to my writings, that I hope one day will develop into a book. I wondered if I could be cheeky and ask you, the reader of this blog, for some honest, constructive criticism. I thank you all in advance…. Now I am going to vacate the area to chew my nails and visit the lavatory on numerous occasions for a nervous wee awaiting feedback :)…….

CHAPTER ONE- intro

Her hair flowed majestically in the wind just as it depicts in the typical opening movie scene where the beautiful young twenty something throws herself in the arms of the epitome of toned masculinity. Their lips meet in a sweet lingering kiss, she feels the sensation of butterflies fluttering wildly in her stomach and she ….. STOPPPPPP……… hold up and reverse right now , where are the toilet facilities please? Seriously, where are they? …… NO I mean it now, where the hell are they?………………… hold it …. Hold it ….damn buttons , I knew I shouldn’t have worn this. SHIT….. anyone have any spare knickers please?  This 50 year old is now moist for all the wrong reasons!

THE REALITY

Her hair flowed wildly, into a tangled creation of ‘dragged through a hedge backwards’ resemblance, with flecks of silver grey where she had missed with the plum coloured hair dye. The attempt to cut and style her own bonnet to produce soft bangs that elegantly framed her face, as demonstrated in the Youtube videos she had closely absorbed, only resulted in an uncanny likeness to the 1980s ‘Motley Crue’ heavy metal band. All was not completely lost however, as she placed her phone on re-dial until her long-suffering childhood nemesis of thirty-seven years answered. The friend, trying desperately to swallow her laughter, provided a guided tutorial – technology in its finest, enabling the catastrophe to be averted somewhat. Everyone knows that once the friend had clicked off her phone, she would be hysterically squealing in laughter with tears running down her face, informing her family, “she’s done it again, go look at her on Insta”. Okay, so hairdressing clearly was not her forte and all further attempts should certainly be debated before being executed and scissors hidden from temptation. Moving on……

  Her face, no longer taut with natural spring youth, seemed somewhat exposing a ‘lived in’ look. She had contemplated applying ‘Annusol’ to her facial wrinkles to see if they would lessen the visual blow to others however, she was hesitant to use the tube she had seen hidden in the bathroom cupboard behind the towels (Now I bet you are all attempting to be Inspector Clueso, who has the piles?). She had been offered Botox and fillers by one of her children, to which she had eloquently declined, once she had composed herself and ignored the internal voice screaming – You is olddddd mother!  She came to the conclusion she was to grow old gracefully or disgracefully, whichever the case maybe, avoid chemicals and invest in some monster cellotape which could stretch out the wrinkles. She had acquired the idea of adhesive measures from being an avid follower of ‘Nadia Sawalha off the telly’s, Youtube channel, although Nadia did purchase the real deal and not tesco cellotape like this old trendsetter had. Seemingly ever the ‘make do queen’, cellotape, if applied with precision so it does not adhere to the hair and rip it out at the roots, does provide the desired effect of youth, if only for a few seconds. Go on, run to the bathroom now and have a go!

Her eyes glisten marble green as she squints through the scratched lenses of the age-old spectacles, too frugal to get them replaced and not ready to face the optician again. On the last and as yet, final visit to sort her vision, the optician was sent scurrying for tissues as her customer sat sobbing loudly in the chair incoherently stating she was so happy that she could see the letters now. The optician looked on bemused whilst trying to engage empathetically as she was forced to listen to the joys of menopause. In all fairness to our protagonist, at least she spared the optician her menopausal bladder issues.  There is no doubt that the optician, no older than twenty-six, drove home after her day at work, cracked out a huge bottle of wine, downed a glass in one and thought ..OMG I am NEVER getting like that.  And we all know, the ones of that certain age know, YOU WILL GET LIKE THAT! You will cry at adverts for persil, find grey hairs where they should not dare to tred, laugh hysterically until you hear the words in your head…’you’ll be crying next’, and yes, there you are, the flood gates open and the death stare is perfected to all who enter the three metre radius. She had spent many years, following the creation of her little humans, implementing the traditional mummy death stare. The tilt of the head forward just a fraction, raise the eyebrow ( always more effective if you have glasses so one eyebrow can be clearly observed above the frame), stare directly at the little human, who is presently smearing poop up the walls, try to make your eyes pop (without the magic of makeup) and do not smile. The silent words of “Really?” emit into the air, bouncing off the walls. That’s the one, the mummy death stare, it also works on partners, pets and any family member who dares to cross the ‘not funny’ line. Who would have guessed that it was the stare that would last a lifetime and become multi-purpose.  If you consider its usages, it should have been on the education curriculum, “Right ladies (yes it was sexist in the 80’s), today you will learn the death stare. This can be used to deter your offspring from eating your last chocolate cookie when you are about to menstruate and provide warning to your partner that they are not funny for feeding your children sweets before lunch or hinting at the idea of copulation”. 

Midnight Library

Recently my respective other gifted me a book entitled ‘Midnight Library ‘ penned by Matt Haig. I have not indulged myself in the luxury of reading for a while as instead, I have consumed my mind with other trivia to while away Lockdown 3. Alternative recreation has included a vested interest In ‘Below Deck’ and ‘Below Deck Mediterranean ‘, a candid insight into the lives of crew on luxury private cruises. Previously I have never grasped the intention of reality TV however……. seriously I am addicted to the highs and lows of the cast, sadly even retaining their names. Will Kate ever grace the ship with a smile, will Ben find true love, will there ever be a long lasting, happily ever after relationship with at least one couple??? Honestly, it is ridiculous, never have I ever found myself absorbed in something emitting from that rectangular object seated on a retro sideboard. It has actually aged me mentally, maybe even physically due to the extremely late/early morning viewing times I have adopted, but mentally, it has made me experience pangs of “ohhhhhhhhhhhhh, I am old, I am no longer swelth, or in my prime of life”.

Photo by Suzy Hazelwood on Pexels.com

Yes thank you ‘Below Deck’ I hold you accountable for my reflective, self loathing, oh whyyyyyy am I getting old, pity party. You are all welcome to join my pity party if you so wish, I have balloons, streamers, party fireworks and Kleenex tissues to dry the tears. SO, what about the book I hear you cry in desperation and intrigue. Well my friends, ‘Midnight Library ‘ takes your being into a pensive state of ‘what if’, a deep introspective journey of yourself, through the experiences of the protagonist. I do not wish to spoil the narrative for anyone who wishes to read it, therefore i will leave it on that cliff hanger in regards to the publication. My experience of it, ( and I am only mid way through the text) it has consumed my brain cells with a plethora of third degree questioning. Would I have done this, should I have done that, why did I not do it this way, what the hell was I thinking, what can I do now, should I do this, or that, or OMGGGGGG what the hell is this all about. I am 51 years of age, soon to be 52 and one book has rendered me gaga. I am questioning every minute decision I have ever made in my time on this planet, not only causing a reflective mind field, moreover, what is the next step of my life. I certainly cannot jump on a charter boat and become a stew at my age however if I am only here for a minute, hour, day, week, month, year or another twenty years… what can I achieve so I no longer have regrets. How can I prevent fear, self doubt, self- loathing and physical ailments from impeding my journey of life? I have a quest, oo I sound like a knight in armour, I have a quest to find ME, the me I wish and crave to be.

The me inside this ageing frame is far from what I show

The me inside this ageing frame has bravery, pep, get up and go

The me inside this ageing frame still wishes upon a star

The me inside this ageing frame dances like the wind

The me inside this ageing frame feels gleeful, joyful, fun

The me inside this ageing frame travels to absorb beauty all around

The me inside this ageing frame still dreams of rainbows and butterflies

The me inside this ageing frame awakes eagerly with each fresh day

The me outside this ageing frame stares solemnly in the reflection

The me outside this ageing frame consumes her mind with what ifs

The me outside this ageing frame builds barriers to all experiences

The me outside this ageing frame spends a colossal time fearing all around

The me inside this ageing frame wishes to take heed of how precious life is

How time is ticking and the countdown is on

The me inside this ageing frame wants to overshadow the me on the outside

and LIVE, LAUGH and LOVE

before

the

lights

turn

off

The me on the inside, if she reaches a ripe old age, does not wish to look back with if only, experiences missed, places unseen.

Dichotomy is no longer wanted for my journey.

13 Going on 30 (or in my case 51)

Have you watched the film 13 Going on 30? The teen who is magically projected into her future self and then transported back so she is able to rewrite history the way she should have initially. Over the course of the past two months my brain has been dragging me back to some dark periods in my life which I would have happily kept locked in a box however, for some reason my being deems it necessary for me to relive them. Adding insult to injury… it is all in technicolour and not just in dream state. There I am, just mindlessly washing the pots and BAMMMMM a memory that I would have loved to stay a distant one, reveals its ugly head. Have you ever been in a situation, like when I span my car, and life passed infront of my eyes- has that ever happened to you? Well, this is the scenario now, luckily the danger element such a spinning cars is not the trigger but the re-runs are flowing in thick and fast. Some of the visions are taking me right back to being a baby and others to when I became a mother. I am seeing all the mistakes others made around me and the errors I also made. What am I supposed to be doing with them? Do I confront my demons ? Do I now ask all the questions I need answering? If I did ask questions I am positive that I would only create upset and that is not my goal. SO what can it be all about? I will be honest, I was thinking “OMG this is it..my mind telling me that I am coming to the end of my journey and here you are…. this was your life”. Even as I am typing this post, I am still attempting to answer the questions but answers are not forthcoming.

Oh well, I just thought I would tell you what my little random mind is up to this evening …. should I have done things differently? Do I have regrets? Can I do anything now to alter the past?

Answers :- Yes, Yes, Not really.

Therefore, to conclude… I should focus upon the positive events of my past and realise no one has the perfect fairytale. HOWEVER, why is my mind being so trippy? Maybe it is a 50 somethings norm’

PPPPPSSSSSSS:- ten minutes later I add this footnote..

Now this is rather strange… here I was writing this post above and thinking I was writing something unique to my present time… Oh but no, I have just re read my previous post “Bread & Jam”……. I apologise now … This is a repeat… I AM IN Groundhog Day

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