musings of a midlifer
The wind is howling, the owl is tooting
The sky projects an eerily Inky black image with variable colour depths, intermingled with twinkling starlight. I draw in a stifled breath suddenly feeling overwhelmed by a sense of insignificance. For each bleak thought that had passed through my mind today, for every self loathing comment I made regarding myself, as I stare into the night sky, it spoke back.
We are at one with everything. We are everything.
I’m cosy in my bed balancing the water bottle on my forehead
The wind is circulating outside, rain drops spattering my windowpane
I need to face the world today
Cool air touches the skin on my arms as they venture from the covers
Pain receptors awakening, my body begins to ache,.fingers stretch
I need to face the world today
Inhalation, hold, 1,2,3,4 release a sigh, exhalation
My eyes peer blankly around the room, each object remains static to yesterday
I need to face the world today
The pooch beside me begins to stir
In automatic pilot I eject from the soft comfort
I need to face the world today
With the key rotating in the lock
The wooden protective barrier freed, nature’s elements blast their morning welcome
I need to face the world today
Golden leaves flutter down from the trees, the rain refreshes my toes
My mind remains a vast ocean of emptiness
I need to face the world today
The key turns in the lock, securing me from the exterior
Feet treading absently, retracing the path to comfort
I need to face the world today
My limbs, torso, mind, become symbiotic with the bed
The coolness of the water bottle replaced upon the forehead
Will it fall?
I need to face the world today…….
Just a few more minutes before I do
What is success in this ocean of greed?
Did the great oak question its destination when it presented as a seed?
Can we achieve true happiness in the blink of an eye?
Are we alone in this great expanse of clear blue sky?
Is achievement being the owner of material wealth?
Or can we be content just accepting the self?
The combination of financial currency and belief in one’s goal
Is a certainty for peace and calming of the soul
So follow your dreams, don’t delay or detract
Find your happy place today!
I’m feeling significantly overwhelmed this evening with a multitude of issues. Each topic has a sliding scale of impact upon my being however, all appear to have accumulated into a huge intertwined mountain. It is a known fact that we should not address our concerns as a whole due to the enormity of the task to untangle. Yet here I am, all out war within my mind, any attempt to deconstruct seemingly futile.
The majority of my worries are for my close family and friends, for which I am unable to assist. Experiencing emotions of helplessness, especially when you are observing the pain of others, is heart wrenching. I feel anguish that I am unable to control circumstances that would be for the betterment of my loved ones.
Then we enter the magical realms of menopause. What a bloody joy this is becoming. An abdomen that appears to have grown significantly overnight, mammory glands that put Dolly Parton to shame ( who needs air bags in the car when you have me in there). I could bore you with all the intricate details however my blog hits are a rarity as it stands therefore i will spare you for this evening at least.
To conclude….. Life is like a box of chocolates…… Well it would be if I had not consumed them all. It’s yin and Yang- the rough with the smooth. Experiencing the highs and lows, good and bad. If today was diabolical, ask for tomorrow to be an improvement.
It is another night laid awake with my neurons whizzing aimlessly. Tonight my plight appears in the form of escapism from the current climate. However much I spend avoiding outside events and attempting to live in my idealised bubble, the air always manages to seep out causing my bubble to deflate. The sickening movie set that continues to roll on seems to be encroaching upon my turf. I have never subjected myself to films or broadcasts that project fear however now I do not require the TV to be plugged in and I cannot turn off the channel.
It’s suffocating, confusing, a perpetual nightmare. Is it ever going to cease? Is this our new norm?
We exist in boxes
Your home, wherever you reside, is a box
Your work
Is a box
Step outside, you venture into a box
Boxes do not require solidity
They can be opaque, however they present in every aspect of our lives.
Our minds, compartmentalized
Boxes- can we escape?
Is it correct that money makes the world go around?
I am not naive enough to think financial security equates to perpetual bliss.
I find it grotesque that pieces of metal, printed paper and crypto currency appear to reflect the social standing of an individual. The narrow-minded view that suggests someone with wealth has a greater relevance within society. The person with their own home, nice car, disposable income is deemed less of a threat. Money enables life to be tolerable,reduces stress, improve health …. Or does it?
I question humanity every day. Why do we, as a race, judge our fellow man. Who created divide?
Who created the divide? Am I really asking that question? I am lying to myself if I evade the answer. Billions upon billions of trading tokens are exchanged every second in order to fuel the segregation. Separation increases financial gain. Fear equates to financial gain.
My mind is a torrent of questions however the solutions will never exist. I feel that I remain on the fence, perplexed by events unfolding.
What are you thinking?
Where do you go?
A void in your stare
Above or below?
Do you feel anger?
Do you feel pain?
Do you barter with your maker
to prolong the game?
My self absorbed ego as i sit by your bedside
With a knowing that one day this will be me
A hand i will be holding, I hope and i pray
That when my day arrives
I will be prepared, no regrets, no cries
A life fulfilled, positive reflection in the final days
I sigh….my mind spinning, this is insane
Time, is it a social construct
That batters our minds
Seemingly the controller of our existence?
The sound, tic tock, tic tick,.tic tock
The waves resonate, intensify with each blink of the eye
Each beat of the heart
Every inhalation, exhalation
Every scene, imprinted and stored
Through the concept coined ‘time’
Tic tock, tic tock, tic tock
One day
Tic tic tic
Silence
“what’s going to happen?” She weakly implores
I dare not reply for the fear of creating further distress to her being.
“what do you mean?” I retort as the coward evading the truth. I avoid her gaze, calmly soothing her with my hand on hers. The directive nature of her questioning invokes notions of morality- do I reply with honest content? Do I sugar coat it or do I swerve, alter the topic direction. A plethora of responses flood into my brain, however which one to apply in this situation seems far from plausible at the present time.
Is it a British cultural conseqence that encourages the ‘stiff upper lip ideology in contrast to raw truth?
Does brutal honesty prevail?
“Yes I’m so sorry, you are going to die.”
I cannot state those words but is that to protect her or selfishly comfort my own fears?
Hormonestogravestones 