2021

Adon the mask

close the door

wash your hands

anymore ?

Distance yourself for all around

hush your voice , make not a sound

The solitude all consuming

yet another daily musing

of life.

I awoke today, nearing midday, my body clock has altered its pattern completely. The day appears to now commence at a respectable, albeit late hour and I retire back to slumber in the early hours. My human form no longer wishes to sleep however, it does seem to want to devour everything slightly edible from the cupboards. My waist line has increased ten fold, my wrinkles deepened from lack of substantial sleep and my mind has become perched on the edge of a precipice awaiting the next film to start. Since March 2020 I have found myself immersed in the motion picture coined “COVID-19- on the edge of reason”, naively assuming the film would cease by July 2020. HAHA well how wrong was I ? Here we are, January 2021, lockdown in our homes, masks drying on the airer, the rancid aroma of bleach filling the air and a growing trepidation to even step outside the front door in fear of the consequences. We enter the sequel drama as the COVID-19 mutates into a greater virulent form, the virus has rounded its troops, prepared novel tactics and whoosh ……. its attacking from all sides. The question of our mortality and fragility of our time on this planet has been brought to the forefront by this unseen enemy. The hot topic of the day appears to be ‘to take the vaccine or not to take the vaccine’. Society at loggerheads with one another surrounding their own human right of choice… if you want the vaccine then do, if you do not wish to take it.. do not… either way it is choice and no one should judge the other. You are your own judge and jury NOT someone else. In this unstable era it is paramount that we all join together in support of life. Respect others, love others, agree to differ?

Happy New year to you all. Time may be arduous at present, however, in the bigger picture, if you delve into history.. we face hard times and we eventually see the light, it is a cicular event. This too shall pass xx

What now, what if

Do you ever just sit and reflect upon your journey to date?

Consider what it is all about?

I know you do!

If I did this, changed that, moved there, sold that

Life would be different, a wonder to behold

The grass would be greener I am positive.

How do you know that it would?

Do you ever sit in the present and give gratitude for your journey to date?

The things that you did well, the pathway you chose to navigate?

2020 has divided the nations, divided the thoughts, given power to the questionable

The fears we once had, the dreams we only wished upon

Are they still present?

Life may never be the same again

YOur freedoms may never be restored to what you once took for granted

So what are your dreams now?

What are your fears?

Do they alter?

Do they remain steadfast?

Chase your destiny and leave no stone unturned

For your life is precious, sacred and only for you

We come into the world alone

We go out of the world alone

In between that time, do what makes you smile

be kind

seek the truth

but most of all

breathe

live

open

your

eyes

Today was a good day

Today I gave myself a mental slap across the face in order to move forward and participate in this mad, crazy world. I saw every second tick away last night, as my mind splurted incessantly with non relevant drama hence preventing my being from spending a few momentary hours in the wonderful dream state. This morning the daughter entered my room demanding I dressed and joined her in a brisk walk. I begrudgingly dragged myself together and entered the outside world. A world that my mind has transformed into a desolate, scary entity however you know what, it was beautiful. The colours of the leaves on the trees appeared more vibrant, the water falling onto my face felt invigorating. Yes I actually looked like a drowned rat ( who the heck came up with that metaphor?), but it consumed me with positivity, love and a sense of belonging. Affirmative the universe is presently bat shit crazy however today I inhaled and visualised what is. What is before our eyes when we are not enveloping our souls with all the negative vibrations. What is before us, the nature, the smile of another, the life outside of the bubble. With encouragement, today I engaged, today I enjoyed, today I embraced and today……. I breathed.

IT has been so long

It has been a few weeks since I have written a post, basically it was a conflict of opinions within this complicated mind of mine. Should I document my negative Nelly mindset or spare you all of the torment and self loathing that I inflicted upon myself. Therefore, my lack of content was to avoid burdening everyone with ‘oh woe me’ subject matter. I am back now…… and if I am honest, negative Nelly has transformed into negative Nora with all the christmas baubles that can be adorned upon her.

I gaze into the mirror, smile for goodness sake woman, go on just turn up the corners of that mouth and give us a cheesy grin. Go on you can do it, do it, do it………….. The refection stares back at me, the lines becoming deeper around the eyes, the grey hair glistening, the extra visceral layers clinging to the frame displaying just how many chocolate bars were consumed last night. Look at you, all forlorn, you should be grateful for what you have, who you are, blah blah blah!!!!! I am grateful, I know how lucky I am however, this 2020 is like a never ending shit show and I would definitely like it to take on a positive stance immediately without delay, thank you very much. Maybe we will wake up in the morning and it was all a bad dream, the reality is butterflies, rainbows, calm, caring, happy, white picket fences and Santa riding on the sleigh. OUCH …. I just fell to back down to the ground……… here we are living in a world of true binary opposition far from the literature sense. It is all so bloody complicated, an array of …….

WELLL, that was rather bizarre, I completed this post with wit and dry humour and even a little seasonal imagery for visual pleasure, press publish…. the latter half of this muse vanished, vamoosed into the etha never to be viewed again. Unfortunately or fortunately I cannot remember what I scribed as it was one of those moments when you are in the zone, the fingers are tapping furiously at the keyboard and the words just formulate without rhyme or reason. Oh well, you may have been spared from the written word that may have resulted in your your electrons whirring for the rest of the day around your brain. Have a wonderful day/night.

Negatively Nelly is tuning out and tomorrow is another day 🙂

Wrinkles of time

I cannot wait until I am big enough to have my own home

I cannot wait until I am old enough to drive my own car

I cannot wait until I am old enough to have my own children

I cannot wait until I am old enough to live by my own rules

I wish I was young again to not have to concern myself with the bills

I wish I was young again to not have to drive in this car

I wish I was young enough to learn the best way to raise a child

I wish I was young enough to feel carefree again.

The mind of the child can be innocent and free

I look in the mirror, what do I see?

I see the wrinkles, each stating the years I have been

no longer the child but the image of time

And I smile

For I would not wish to be that young again

The mistakes I have made, the blessings bestowed

Are the transcripts of life

We are born, we live, we die

But Is it the end?

And Breatheeeeeee

Commencing countdown, engines on.

I have taken a break from the written word for a while due to being all consumed with feelings of anxiety. Breaking the perpetual cycle of catastrophic thinking and restricted breath is an arduous task and I am far from reaching the solution. Morning and evening meditation, belly breathing in conjunction with green tea, has not yet halted the feeling of swimming through glue. I refuse to digest any pharmaceutical remedies as I know that I can become champion of my afflictions if I am able to step off the anxiety wheel.

Going forward, to release myself from stinking thinking and untie the knots within my solar plexus, I have compiled a plan of action. More impressively I have SMART targeted my ultimate quest, hark me as I high five the air. Therefore, on my list are daily tasks, which to some may appear trivial however, these are for my progression and healing.

  1. Meditation-Continue to meditate morning and evening – On awaking and prior to sleep- to reduce the feelings of tension-To reassess every two weeks and alter meditation tools if required.

2. Exercise- to walk daily for atleast 30 minutes- ask spouse to accompany me- to reduce stress and improve breathing-Assess progress every Sunday and increase/ decrease walk duration

3. Nutrition/Hydration- to reduce weight to a healthy range and feel hydrated-plan healthy meals daily-remove all junk from temptation-commence a food journal to document and hold accountability- Assess every Sunday

I could potentially pen many more targets however, more than this and I begin to feel overwhelmed by the prospect. Beginning small and achievable will ultimately equate to success I believe. I believe- hmm, positive thoughts woman -OK, I KNOW small steps lead to SUCCESS

Day one starts now . Anyone care to join in on their own journey? What are your goals and how will you achieve them?

Submerge

Do you have those random thoughts that just blow your mind? As I am laid in bed, a realisation, prompted by my husbands intrigue surrounding the sounds our dog can hear and we cannot. As you are sat, laid, stood, whatever position you are presently in, all around you are sounds you cannot even hear. BBC1, BBC2, ITV, Channel 4, Radio 1, the text message, the email, the list is endless, all swirling around your being. The depths we cannot yet reach, therefore information and knowledge we will never obtain. I wonder if the canine can hear all the radio and TV channels? The noise would be immense I suspect. Life is much more complex that we can imagine. We are submerged in a technological state that the majority of us do not even consider within our daily lives. The creator of ‘The Matrix’, did he produce a Sci-Fi film OR provide us with the pill without us initially realising it?

Sleep time/Snore time

It is midnight, I should be soundly sleeping however, here I am, laid staring at the ceiling trying rather miserably, to summon the dream man. Do you remember the dream man? My father used to create magical bedtime stories every night when I was a child, always comical and never from another author. He was my author, he was unique, kind and filled my mind with magical lands and quirky characters. His stories were so exciting and spellbinding that I would never want them to end and would ask constant questions in order to extend the stories. When it was time for me to settle for sleep, my father would say, “shhh now and wait for the dream man to sprinkle sand in your eyes.”

Some nights he would sing a lullaby

Hush here comes the dream man, hush here comes the dream man

All you children run upstairs

Put on your nighties and say your prayers

Then ride with Mr dream man till daylight comes again

And see the wonders of wonderland in the dream mans train

I would feel my eyelids gently closing as he sang, then it would be morning. I wish father was alive now to fill my mind with wonderful stories, then sing me to sleep. Today is a different melodic sound that consumes my ears with a variant scale of annoyance, certainly not a soothing rain fall. The blissful tune of the snorer is always a contentious subject to raise, especially when I am almost positive I have the odd snort (such a picture of delicate beauty). I initially confront the issue by attempting to drown out the snores using meditation music however, when the sound of rain is at the level of human snorts, meditation rainfall replicates a monsoon – and the snores are becoming deeper, echoing off the walls. The perpetrator stealthily transfers his position to that of the prone. The mandible drops, the breathing becomes heavy and there we go…. snoreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Gently, as not to waken the sleeping lion, I place my hand on the side of his face and smoothly rotate the face away from mine. Silence……oh god have I killed him? …… SNOREEEEEEE. Suddenly he throws his body onto his side and curls into a foetal position, this is my moment to shine, to divert/prevent a further onslaught of noise, I too position into the foetal pose and neatly place my knees into the small of his lumbar. Placement of the patellas are paramount for this exercise, as is the amount of pressure exerted when said husband attempts to return to his back. I am not remorseful of my actions due to the opinion that I am quite tame in my remedies for a quiet environment conducive for slumber. My mother on the other hand

My mothers remedies for the snoring husband (my dad)

  1. Place toilet roll up his nostrils – this was not successful as he continued to snore, to add insult to injury, the toilet roll fluttered like streamers from his nasal passages
  2. Place a wooden peg on the end of his nose – this resulted in father still snoring and a red swollen nose in the morning
  3. Pillow (no comment)
  4. Kick gently -I don’t know where this bruise is from (mother mumbles an incoherent reply as she slides into the kitchen)
  5. Shout – “ROYYYYYYYYYY shut up” – he continues
  6. Cough loudly in his ear – this was futile when he reached 60 as his hearing declined (or did it?)
  7. Push
  8. Kick, Kick Kick, Push – loud bang – father on the floor, mother pretending to be asleep
  9. REPEAT 1-8

So there we have it, a blog entry regarding the topic of snoring. Sleep well everyone, I am going to play my monsoon music and adon the foetal position

Waffles

Presently, i have the tape measure staring into my soul and spectacles perched on the end of my nose, attempting to visualise through the scratches that are obscuring clear 20/20 vision. I suppose that you are so intrigued now, are you not? Hmmmm she needs her sight and a tape measure…… Actually I do not require the tape measure, just the belt of my jeans. You guessed correctly, it is the weight issue that has reared its head in my Mensa on this fine day. I awoke with a stretch and all good intentions to do a morning meditation, gentle movement and then a soothing green tea. I am sounding rather Zen here I know 🙂 HOWEVER, Youtube became my familiar on this fine day and my phlanges mindfully tapped away at the keyboard to guide me to all the positive, upbeat content that would fill my soul with a creative zest for life. It commenced very well, a dose of Zoella and Mark having a Christmas themed friendship day in August, all very wholesome and comforting, oh and a Grackle vlog to add into the mix. You see it started on an upbeat, relaxed trend and then chaos reigned. A notification rang through the air from my phone, not an email but news updates, NHS waist sizes to reduce risk of COVID 19. I felt the anxiety rising into my throat, palms beginning to perspire. A female, waist size should be thirty two inches, thirty seven inches for a male or you are in the obese category and placing yourself at a higher risk – thanks for that. AND BREATHEEEEEEEE

Youtube, being the plethora of knowledge it is, now succumbs to my frantic attack in search of the perfect cure for an over 50, unfit, vegetarian who has a waist size of 38″. The age old saying, consume less calories and move more appears a sensible option to many however, this is my mind we are talking about here. There has to be the ultimate antidote for my need to consume snacks and lack of movement. Lets ponder this dilemma shall we? NOOOOoooo lets not. Whilst I observe the super fit, motivated individuals, displaying the before and after shots and providing tips for the ultimate midlife style, there is a debate rattling around in my brain.

“You can do this, you too can become a fitness goddess”

“who are you kidding here, feed me snacks, I need snacks”

“Chocolateeeeeeee”

“ok, we need a treadmill, weights, hula hoop, trainers……..chocolate”

“Come on get a grip”

And so, the conversation within my cranium continued to rage for atleast an hour until I had an epiphany – I am making excuses to not do anything about my health, both physical and mental. If i am not happy then there is only me that can do something about it. The support of others is wonderful however, this is not their journey, it is mine. I should not subject them to transference of my negative moods because I am not content with who I am. This is my life and my yellow brick road to follow. Loved ones can share the path if they so wish however, they should not be forced to tread the path if it is not part of their own story. We can often forget that others can share your life but they do not have to follow in your shoes, individuality should be embraced and encouraged for a wholesome union.

Therefore, to cut a long story short, I hereby make a pledge to MYSELF that I will restrain from diving into the chocolate fountain, refrain from comfort foods when my moods dip and do this for me. I will not subject my loved ones to my issues of feeling ‘not good enough’ and instead address it and confront it. I will, over the following three months, make positive goals daily to be the better version of myself for me 🙂

Thank you and good night xx

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