Hormonestogravestones

The bewitching hour- a ramble

It has arrived

The soothing droplets of rain tap rhythmically upon my window

In the distance, the hoot of the owl creates an off beat,distorting the musical rift.

And here I lay, trying to achieve my zen, attempting miserably to sleep. The musings of my brain have better ideas.

A brief interlude whilst my bladder demands yet another visit to the lavatory. ‘Lavatory’, now there is a word which sounds rather regal. As you read that statement, did your inner voice enact an extremely posh English accent? I heard Lady Adelaide Stitch, the character from Nanny Mcphee 2.

As I try to calm my internal chatter and restore serenity (okay maybe the term ‘serenity’is pushing the imagery to the max. I have never managed to achieve that to date… But I will!). I think this post is getting pointless as I appear to be on a road to nowhere. Soooo, I have decided to share some of my new art class work with you. I have never partook in the artsy world before however, I decided to dip my toe in and between you and me… I am loving it. It is definitely a form of escapism. The mind switches off and I become this floating jello of nothingness. It is my happy zone.

Months have passed

Months have passed since my last post

The trajectory of my life seemingly not as I had envisioned. I am devoid of creative expression, intellectual stimulation, instead, running unwittingly on a perpetual wheel.

Each evening I prepare the page of ‘to do’s’, listings, complete with neatly positioned tick boxes. The mundane, the routine, the life changers and please do not forget the obligatory…. Exercise [], Stick to diet today [], meditate []. The following day arrives, good intention is in the lead, hoover out, computer revving it’s engine, coffee in the cup. Tick, tick, tick.

Complete some laundry, feed the pets, housework, reply to emails,send out the stock offers,prepare listings, print the labels- tick, tick, bloody tick. Off I trot to the unit to locate, pack and post items, stock take, order supplies followed by drive home, cuppa, sort the pets before transforming into a photographer. Transform the said images onto my account and list some stock. Food, tick, food aligned to the Doctor Moseley program? Negative! Exercise, ermmmmm ? Meditation? Could the twenty minute snooze equate to a meditation?

And the day commences again.

She is firing on all cylinders

It is all seemingly disjointed
In this world of hormonal hell
My physical self buckling and the tears continue to cascade
Pooling within the deepening creases of my visage.
Within, rages a torrent of disarray
A discord between who I am from nanosecond to nanosecond
The serenity replacement unrecognisable…. As the jaw tenses
The world construed by the menopausal self
No longer sedately absorbing the beauty of the surroundings

And the tears rise again like the phoenix from the ashes.

Fleeting

Darkness envelops me
The chaos of the mind
Ebbing and flowing
Torrents cascading down the rugged rock face.
And I casually stare at his face as he consumes his thoughts
Each crease, each line
Not for a second does his vision divert away from the infinite glare of the machine.
Therefore my visual field is unrequited
The invisibility cloak chokes my neck as I claw to gasp
Only one more breath, one more second, one more week
Time is fleeting
For this second, I’m still here
The next…
A memory etched in the mind
A missed conversation,glance
Too late
Lights
Out ……..

Sometimes I wish I could say this!

There comes a time in every one’s life when they step back and say ‘enough is enough’. There comes a time when you step out of the madness and realise you are not the cause of everyone’s problems. You realise that you cannot spend life blaming others, thinking you would do it better, others are beneath you, others do not do it correctly just because they don’t do it the way you perceive is the right way. There comes a time you step back and realise, life is your own consequence. When others are sad.. don’t be the bully or ridicule their tears, don’t walk away with words of distaste. Compassion, empathy, community, kinship, friendship, love, belief, family, trust, are all words with a positive connotation that resonate on the energy of mankind. We can view the world with distrust, stress, negativity, anger, however this only produces a state of despair. Life is for living, life is short and life is your own journey. Stop being a controller of others, stop negative judgement and prejudice just because a person does not perform to your ideals. For the ideals are only yours and you do not control the destiny, choices or performance of another. You cannot blame your life’s path and failings on others, for your journey is now your own. If you continue to carry a holdall of failings and attach each to events in your past then you are choosing that life and creating a past to excuse living in the present.
Treat others, speak in a language that is respectful and how you would like to be responded too in return. We all eat, we sleep, we defecate.
Choose a life to be happy, positive, grateful, productive or waste a life in drama, negative mindset, stress and detachment.

I am now choosing life for myself. I will be there for my children however I will not be blamed for their issues, problems or constantly apologise for any wrong parenting choices I made over the years. Parenting, as you will all discover, does not come with a guide book and as much as you say ‘i certainly won’t be like my parent/parents….’ (because yes I said it too)… We all end up doing things we said we wouldn’t. We say and do things as parents to protect our babies however sometimes as a parent you get things wrong. The problem is…. Children focus thereafter in life, what their parent did wrong and now look at my life…… Yes I blamed my mum too. It isn’t until I reached my 50s that I stood back and thought… My mum,.no certainly not perfect however she raised me better than she was raised, she made some good choices and she made some bad… But when I became an adult.. my choices in life were mine and not a reflection of how my mother was with me. I now look at my mum for the positive aspects and treasure the good and make sense of the not so good. I don’t blame my mother for my childhood, I’m grateful she’s still here and I can still converse with her.
Today I realised you all need to grow into adults and parents and I have to grow into a person that has adult children. I will always treat you all with respect and be there for you. I would be grateful if you do the same.
I am not ashamed that i do not have material wealth, I am not ashamed of my career choices, I am not ashamed of how I choose to live. I am not ashamed that I worry, get anxious and place restrictions upon myself.. for my life choices are mine, not a consequence of my upbringing. I have allowed myself to make some unwise decisions in life and then passed the blame…. My choice is my consequence.
I will refrain from giving advice and guidance even though it has always only come from love and a strong sense of protecting my babies. Now I realise none of you are babies and I am not aiding your flights in life by trying to shield you.
All I ask in return… Don’t take my distance as not caring, don’t take my quietness as unloving.

How’s your day been?

How has your day been?

Better than you expected or verging on obscene?

Rainbows, blue skies and buttercups?

Or resembling a bubbling volcano, on the countdown to erupt?

Either way, was there a nanosecond, where you actually sat and smiled?

Or was it consumed with sorrow wishing tomorrow would come forthwith?

Life is a funny thing, Alanis you got it right

Tomorrow is beckons to us now,

Today long gone and now will soon be a memory

Learn, take stock and find that nanosecond of time.

It has been a while….maze of the mind

It has been a while since I placed thoughts on this page

My mind has become an incessant pool of questions with no rationality nor reason.

My hands are wringing, my eyes dart swiftly from one thought to the next

The whys, the Ifs, the if only, create a continuum of destruction within the depths,

The world seemingly intent upon existing upon the lowest vibrational frequency.

I attempt to rise above, direct my gaze away from the atrocities we are being drip fed minute by minute,

However…….. Those that appear to share in the glory of power, seemingly devoid of humanity or compassion

Hold no prisoners, as they rage war across the lands.

And I sit perplexed by the puppet masters iron hands, and yet they all follow

Why? Why do we follow into our demise?

Why do we listen to their words, directions… They are a person…

They are not god… Can the average human form not think as an individual? Can a collective not voice that enough is enough?

The Wizards of Oz all seated behind their screens

They do not stand and fight, they do not isolate away

..we enable them to be the playground bullies.

I am confused … 2020, 2021,2022…. Rules dictated by elites however, do they bear the cross?

NO!!

Maybe I will sleep now I have purged my mind.

Being jolly

I’m trying so hard to be jolly

At this festive time

However the clouds are hoovering above me

The taste in my mouth like lime

So I am attempting to grace my face with a smile

And sing a ho ho ho

Festooning the place with tinsel

Some berry and Holly for show

Come on Christmas spirit, bestow me with your charm

Another mince pie if you please

Oh I so wish my headache would vanish now

Another menopausal whim come to tease.

So I wish you all a merry Christmas wherever you may be

Remember the key

To be yourself and In Reality

It’s just another day……

Breathe

Grinch has not left the building, sorry

I wrote a while ago that I am the personification of the Grinch

I was hoping through the passage of time that this would alter.

That Grinch would dissipate and the replacement happy pants would appear, as if by magic.

Unfortunately, I can report to you personally, that Grinch has not, I repeat NOT, exited the building.

Furthermore, it is safe to say that I have not only become despondent to this whole Christmas malarkey, No, New year can do one too 🙂 .

Affirmative I am grateful to be here and breathing the air

Grateful too that I am able bodied and have some teeth left

However, menopausal misery, incessant media shit storms, tied together with bumbling inconsistent government rhetoric ribbons, has quite frankly ripped any festive spirit out of me.

I attempt to foresee the future, grappling for a glimmer of Tinseltown however all I end up observing is the fridge contents. My waistband, actually who am I kidding…my whole frame is expanding as I devour anything to numb reality.

I would appreciate raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens instead of ….. I don’t need to say it do I? The actuality is that we are all in this together however, I have never felt so alone in a sea of chaos.

Christmas feels like a sticking plaster however my aid lost its glue and is no longer adhesive.

I apologise if this is lowering the vibrations, I will retire to my soft office and attempt to close my brain x.

The salt path- Raynor Winn

It has just left my hands, leaving a lasting impression and a thirst for knowing more. This book is the journey of Raynor and Moth who became homeless in their middle years. It is a story of determination, will power and the dichotomy of humanity. Throughout the discourse the landscape is brought alive and their plight is all consuming. Homelessness could happen to any one of us and this book is enlightening to the prejudice, sterotyping and judgement that continues to exist. Everyone is on a precipice, our security could suddenly vanish. Could you survive?