Midnight Library

Recently my respective other gifted me a book entitled ‘Midnight Library ‘ penned by Matt Haig. I have not indulged myself in the luxury of reading for a while as instead, I have consumed my mind with other trivia to while away Lockdown 3. Alternative recreation has included a vested interest In ‘Below Deck’ and ‘Below Deck Mediterranean ‘, a candid insight into the lives of crew on luxury private cruises. Previously I have never grasped the intention of reality TV however……. seriously I am addicted to the highs and lows of the cast, sadly even retaining their names. Will Kate ever grace the ship with a smile, will Ben find true love, will there ever be a long lasting, happily ever after relationship with at least one couple??? Honestly, it is ridiculous, never have I ever found myself absorbed in something emitting from that rectangular object seated on a retro sideboard. It has actually aged me mentally, maybe even physically due to the extremely late/early morning viewing times I have adopted, but mentally, it has made me experience pangs of “ohhhhhhhhhhhhh, I am old, I am no longer swelth, or in my prime of life”.

Yes thank you ‘Below Deck’ I hold you accountable for my reflective, self loathing, oh whyyyyyy am I getting old, pity party. You are all welcome to join my pity party if you so wish, I have balloons, streamers, party fireworks and Kleenex tissues to dry the tears. SO, what about the book I hear you cry in desperation and intrigue. Well my friends, ‘Midnight Library ‘ takes your being into a pensive state of ‘what if’, a deep introspective journey of yourself, through the experiences of the protagonist. I do not wish to spoil the narrative for anyone who wishes to read it, therefore i will leave it on that cliff hanger in regards to the publication. My experience of it, ( and I am only mid way through the text) it has consumed my brain cells with a plethora of third degree questioning. Would I have done this, should I have done that, why did I not do it this way, what the hell was I thinking, what can I do now, should I do this, or that, or OMGGGGGG what the hell is this all about. I am 51 years of age, soon to be 52 and one book has rendered me gaga. I am questioning every minute decision I have ever made in my time on this planet, not only causing a reflective mind field, moreover, what is the next step of my life. I certainly cannot jump on a charter boat and become a stew at my age however if I am only here for a minute, hour, day, week, month, year or another twenty years… what can I achieve so I no longer have regrets. How can I prevent fear, self doubt, self- loathing and physical ailments from impeding my journey of life? I have a quest, oo I sound like a knight in armour, I have a quest to find ME, the me I wish and crave to be.

The me inside this ageing frame is far from what I show

The me inside this ageing frame has bravery, pep, get up and go

The me inside this ageing frame still wishes upon a star

The me inside this ageing frame dances like the wind

The me inside this ageing frame feels gleeful, joyful, fun

The me inside this ageing frame travels to absorb beauty all around

The me inside this ageing frame still dreams of rainbows and butterflies

The me inside this ageing frame awakes eagerly with each fresh day

The me outside this ageing frame stares solemnly in the reflection

The me outside this ageing frame consumes her mind with what ifs

The me outside this ageing frame builds barriers to all experiences

The me outside this ageing frame spends a colossal time fearing all around

The me inside this ageing frame wishes to take heed of how precious life is

How time is ticking and the countdown is on

The me inside this ageing frame wants to overshadow the me on the outside

and LIVE, LAUGH and LOVE

before

the

lights

turn

off

The me on the inside, if she reaches a ripe old age, does not wish to look back with if only, experiences missed, places unseen.

Dichotomy is no longer wanted for my journey.